Are you the kind of person that rejects when someone offers to share a bite of their food, or makes a well-intentioned gesture that you would find valuable? 

A major factor in our subconscious processing and decision making is reciprocity. Evolutionarily, we evolved to be predisposed to reciprocate because of kin selection and a “strength in numbers” survival mentality.  However, in today’s society, we see it more as a favor for a favor and therefore we are less likely to act and be indebted to others.  But, it is very important to be willing to receive, and not only because of what it does for yourself, but what it does for others.

First, when you accept help or resources from someone else, know that you are going to benefit. If you want to truly accelerate your growth and potential you need to rely on the contribution of others. At the end of the day, we are better together.

But the second part is what accepting an offer does for someone else. They offered because they want you to have it, and sometimes rejecting that offer is even disrespectful. By accepting you support the other person and acknowledge the value they have to offer, which is a really important piece of a relationship.  Whether it’s a high-potential introduction or a few chips from their plate, try to overcome your distaste for forced reciprocity and receive the gifts someone wants to share with you.

Everything in life comes back to value. You teach someone a lesson, that’s value shared. You do an errand for someone, that’s value added. Even when you pay for a coffee, that’s value exchanged, because money is just potential value. The difficult part is, value is subjective and it gets confusing when we try to use it to measure and compare things directly.

I wanted to hit you with Zig Ziglar’s quote that speaks to this problem. “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone else’s inability to see your worth”.

Now think about that. Just because someone sees something differently does not mean you need to adjust the way you perceive yourself. Who knows why that judgment might be different. It could be because you have different points of reference, varying experiences, or incongruent expectations. In fact, no two people see things the same, so there’s always going to be a conflict. But speaking to the problem at hand here, this new found information should not make you less confident in the value you offer.

Do you know why? Because we approach life from our own lens, with our own points of reference, our own experiences, built out of our own expectations. It’s not practical to think that someone else knows how much value you add through your life because they didn’t live it! But you did, and that’s worth everything.

Besides, What if the opposite was true? What if someone said that you were worth more than you believed to be true? You’d probably resort to your own interpretation, because they don’t see the full picture. Well, that’s true on the negative feedback side, and it shouldn’t be any different.

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone else’s inability to see your worth”.

Language is so powerful and there are so many subtleties to it that we can totally leverage for ourselves. One of the worst words in the English language is “impossible”. It just wreaks of limiting beliefs and scarcity. It’s kind of like Henry Ford’s quote, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right”. Let’s use this idea to adjust our mindset.

Impossible? No. I’m possible! That’s just the same letters, same order, but with a different cadence and conviction. And the meaning is so accurate because it offers the perfect contrast from the previous limiting belief. Our capability to achieve the things laid out in front of us is determined by the belief people have that we can. 

By stating I’m possible, not only are you stating that you can do it, but that you’re the exception. You are the person to do it. And shout it loud because your public commitment will attract the resources and opportunities you need to make it happen. Life has a funny and eerie way of providing exactly what you ask for. Don’t ask for the world to tell you that it’s impossible, demand that it is possible and you’re the one to do it.

John Lee Dumas calls his tribe Fire Nation and for good reason, because he really has a way of firing you up.

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That’s the truth! Sure you can hide and avoid negative feedback, but that means you are also hiding from yourself. Share your truth and express the authentic you. Your opinion of you is the only one that matters, do what lights you up even in the face of criticism. No matter what you do you’ll always upset someone, don’t let that someone be yourself.

One thing that we all share as humans is we desperately want to be liked. The extent and level of this varies person to person, but it is a core human need. Remember, in Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs “Love and Belonging” is the first need after our physical needs of food, water, and safety.

So, of course we want people to like us! It’s important to acknowledge that because the more you resist it, the more it will resist you.

It’s one of those things that is simple but not easy. If you want more people to like you, you need to like them more! This conclusion has been consistent among a few books I’ve read. The book, Captivate, by Vanessa Van Edwards talks about how we pick up on each other’s non-verbal cues, and by leaning in during a conversation, it builds an unspoken rapport with your conversational partner. The book, Presuasion, by Robert Cialdini talks about the principle of reciprocity, and how if you create a culture of something it will be returned. Then, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey talks about empathic listening, and seeking first to understand before being understood.

At the core of this is one of my favorite quotes from David Meltzer that summarizes the thought. "Be more interested than interesting".

Each one of us is the center of our own world, and to truly connect with someone you need to enter their world! Who’s the kind of person that they would want to like? Probably a person that thinks highly of them and likes them already.

This practical piece of advise comes from Vanessa Van Edwards' book, Captivate. The NUT formula was designed to help us relate with emotional people, because there is a very predictable and proven process to get people through the emotion. The reason it is so necessary is because we often aren’t patient enough with our empathy, jumping to conclusions too quickly without giving someone the time they need to go through the steps of processing.

That’s exactly what the NUT formula is. It’s a way to help guide people through their emotional processing. N stands for Naming, U stands for Understanding, and T stands for transition. To improve our comprehension, let’s use the example of someone who was just broken up with as our reference.

Naming. The first step is to acknowledge the emotion. By getting someone to state the emotion they are feeling, they gain clarity and validity on what exactly they are feeling. It is then our responsibility to reinforce that understanding by restating that emotion, and other related emotions that could be underlying to the one they are feeling. "I’m so sorry he broke up with you, that must be really hard. I’m sure you’re feeling sad and frustrated”.

It’s at that point we can move on to the Understanding. We still stay out of it, not really offering any input of our own, it’s all about helping them to understand why they feel that way. We, then, can validate that understanding, stating how it is also rational to us and help them find confidence in their processing. “Your emotions makes sense, you were really invested in that relationship and I see how difficult it would be to deal with this.

Transition. Get their mind on something else, distract them, or provide a new perspective. We can’t do this until they have come to terms with the emotion, which is why Naming and Understanding is so crucial. “It’s their loss, you’re such a catch. But this probably all means that it just wasn’t right for you, let’s grab some ice cream so you can have some me time”.

I wanted to share a metaphor that my mom sent to me.
You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee? 

"Because someone bumped into me!!!"

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. 

Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

So we have to ask ourselves,“what's in my cup?".

When life gets tough, what spills over?

Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility? 

Anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions? 

Life provides the cup, you choose how to fill it. 

Now, let me ask you this. What do you fill your cup with? In my opinion, it’s the choices you make every single day that mold into each other to create your reality. If you want positivity, you need to fill your cup with gratitude, joy, authentic connection, and humility. In order to acquire those things you need to intentionally expose yourself to them through affirmations, relationships, and experiences. You’d be surprised how nice a warm cup filled with all the right goodies in it would feel. It’s in your power to fill your cup.

Our guest is Gavin Dantez, and Gavin is a guy who understands the human mind in great detail. He has identified ways for us to become more limitless when it comes to our mental capacity, and has developed a process around it. Central to this process is understanding the hierarchy of information, and how learning at different points in the process require different complementary actions.

I know that might sound like a lot, so let me quickly break it down. We process information at different levels of comprehension. It starts at data, the lowest, which come together to create bits of information. Those bits of information are organized into resources, or knowledge. Then you must test that knowledge for yourself to gain a practical understanding of its utility, and last combine understandings from different people to have well-rounded wisdom.

Do you want to do something that will change your life overnight?

It’s as simple as saying thank you. While it’s short, thank you is one of the most powerful expressions in the world. It’s a positive acknowledgment for a benefit received. The benefit can take many forms, a favor someone does for you, a hard lesson learned, a decision you make that you know is for the best. There are happenings everywhere in our life that deserve acknowledgment for the influence they are having in our development.

But, the game changer is a habit practiced by a mentor of mine, David Meltzer. When David wakes up, the first thing he does in the morning is he says thank you. He says thank you for the opportunity to have another day, for the past experiences that led him to today, and for the potential of what’s to come. Then again, right before he puts his head down at night, he says thank you for everything that happened that day, the joy it brought him, the growth he experienced, and the progress he has made. It’s a grounding practice rooted in gratitude and humility. By saying thank you, David chooses to take no credit for the events that transpired, further asserting his faith in the process and growing deeper into his practice.