We all could use a little love, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But with COVID it’s hard getting "people-time" and unfortunately this means that we aren’t naturally getting some of the things we need. Therefore, we need to supplement it.

One of those things is oxytocin, the cuddle neurotransmitter. Oxytocin is released when you are in close contact with someone to strengthen your social bond. It is also released during childbirth to help bond a mother and her child, as well as immediately after sex. It’s that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you feel loved and supported, and for the purposes of our lives today, we need to make sure we’re getting enough of it. 

Something I do on a daily basis is I give myself a hug. You’d be surprised how warm and cozy it feels, but more importantly it helps you get the oxytocin you need to lift your mood. I combine my morning hug with the affirmation “I am worthy” to really allow myself to feel the full effect of the activity. Fortunately I do have a lovely girlfriend who makes sure I get the oxytocin I need, but beyond that it’s important to be intentional about taking care of yourself and your needs.

We all know how a good hug can feel, and believe it or not, you can give one to yourself. It’s an act of self-care, a lift in your mood, and the oxytocin boost you need all in one. It might feel strange but you deserve it. You are worthy, you are loved, and you should give it a try - you’ll be happy you did!

Let’s explore an interesting phenomenon called the "Social Multiplier Effect". Proposed by Jim Flynn, the social multiplier effect explains why groups of people sometimes produce results that are outside the average of the general population. This is true both on the positive and negative side of outcomes, but there is one common factor in both cases - Environment.

Essentially the social multiplier effect describes how your environment (in the case of "social environment" and the people around you) affects the way you relate to certain topics. In “Atomic Habits” James Clear talks about how one of the most effective things you can do to change your behavior is to surround yourself with people where the desired behavior is the normal behavior. This creates a subtle, influential force that pulls you toward the norm.

This relates to your personal development and self growth in two ways. First, you can be intentional about who you surround yourself with and make sure that your social environment is conducive to the progress you hope to make. Second, is you can be the epicenter of impact, and create positive ripples for others in the way you behave. This will attract people who share the same values, and it will close the feedback loop for you so that you validate the behavior and energy you put out.

While Jim Flynn’s original work proved this theory by testing people’s IQs and relating it to the IQs of those around them, this thought applies much further than that and is something you can leverage in your life.

I want to make an important distinction between two related words - Manipulation and persuasion. The truth is we are all agents of life constantly trying to get what we want in the world.  That’s great and part of our freedom, but the mechanism by which we go about pursuing that is an important detail.

Let’s start with manipulation. It has a negative connotation to it, and deservedly so. To manipulate is to control or influence someone unfairly. Oftentimes, the way you’re trying to change their behavior is not well-intended and does not create outcomes that are most beneficial for the person being manipulated. This is selfish and bad. 

Persuasion involves the same process of attempting to change someone’s mind or opinion on something, but the intentions are different. You want to influence them because you genuinely think what you’re advocating for is best for them. And in dong so you use more reasoning and logic to argue for your stance, and allow people to come upon their own conclusions on a topic that you think should be reconsidered. Naturally this is more productive and it’s not a guarantee that someone is hurt in the process.

So what’s the takeaway from this? When using influence to get what you want, think a second longer about the way you’re doing it. If you’re damaging someone else and their ability to get what they want, then that’s manipulation and it’s best to stay clear of it. If you’re educating someone on a new way of thinking about something, and still allowing them to reach their own final decision, that’s persuasion, and it’s an important tool for us to use in life.

When was the last time you felt a strong, difficult emotion? Whether it was stress, anxiety, or sadness,  it probably wasn’t too long ago. After all we are humans and these are real, meaningful human emotions. But of course, we don’t want to continue feeling that way, and we can get better at moving through these emotions with practice. Nataly Kogan, the founder of Happier.com has a great lesson on this.

It’s not that we need to reject and resist negative emotions, we need to label them and allow them to have meaning temporarily so that they can be processed. Happiness isn’t just about accepting positive emotions, it’s being able to accept all emotions.

We’re all people, and as we’re going out doing our thing we need to realize that we play a role in the world. It’s not just about us and the way that we choose to treat others. Reflecting on the ways we exist among others helps us to find groundedness and a deeper sense of joy. Some of my favorite lyrics on the topic come from Tim McGraw.

"Hold the door, say "please", say "thank you"
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride
But always stay humble and kind."

The whole song is about living your values. Through ups and downs, wins and losses, new experiments and old routines, we need to hold onto our values tightly. In particular I gravitate toward the values of humility and kindness in my life, and think about how I can incorporate them in everything I do. Both looking back at the past and looking forward into the future, a life worth living is a life you’re proud of not just by what you did, but the way you did it. “I know you got mountains to climb, but always stay humble and kind.”

I’m starting to think a bit differently about goal-setting and life achievements, and I want to see what you think. It is incredibly motivating to set a far-reaching goal, and it gives you great purpose and determination to pursue that ultimate end. I believe we are capable of and worthy of having what we want in life, but we need to be willing to put in the effort to make it happen, and a solid goal provides you that alignment.

When you do achieve that goal, you feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I want to explore why that’s the case. And what I’ve found is, it’s not about the goal itself, it’s about what achieving that goal represents and means to you.

For example, you summit Mount Everest. Does the sense of accomplishment come from the blizzard view you have at the top, or the acknowledgment of all of the training you put in, how you set your mind to something, and became a person capable of such an incredible feat? Or winning an award. Is it standing on stage and giving a speech, or is it the recognition of your abilities and performance over time, and what that says about your talents. 

I think it’s important that you think a layer or two deeper when it comes to your goal setting because then you can tap into the real reason you’ve chosen that path, the ways that it satisfies and fulfills you, and ultimately, leverage that to push yourself further and challenge yourself to grow.

So I encourage you right now, don’t think about what it is that you want, think about why it is that you want it, and how that is representative of the person you want to be.

Trust me when I say that you are a leader. It could be at work, at home, or in a way that you aren’t even aware of. I say this because if that’s the case, then we all need to understand how to motivate others. I’m reading a book called “Drive” by Daniel Pink, and he presented an interesting thought that I want you to know about as the leader that you are.

There are two types of tasks in life. There are algorithmic tasks, where you follow a set process to achieve a certain result, and there are heuristic tasks, where you need to use your own creativity and problem solving to reach a desired outcome. Although they are often treated the same way by employers and leaders these two different types of tasks respond best to different reward models.

When following the routine work of algorithmic tasks, it is often effective to use conventional, extrinsic rewards like a pay raise, an incentive, or a certificate. For more creative heuristic tasks the same rewards actually decrease  performance. That’s because these tasks require a sense of autonomy and agency, and introducing external rewards actually compromises one’s interest in doing it for more self-motivating reasons. People doing heuristic tasks respond better to more intrinsic rewards, like the pursuit of self-mastery and progress, and minimal intervention by others.

So when you’re trying to motivate someone, it’s important to match the type of task with the type of reward. Algorithmic, routine tasks can be improved by adding new incentives and extrinsic reward. Creative heuristic tasks are better supported by intrinsic rewards.

In the United States we remember an incredible man with a world-changing legacy, Martin Luther King Jr. As a leader of the civil rights movement MLK set an important standard about how to create change in something you believe in. With everything that’s happened in the last year including police brutality, Black Lives Matter, and contested election results, it makes me think - What would MLK have to say about this? What struck me was this very famous quote: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Our focus should always be on what we stand for. When it comes to the change we wish to see, we must embody the change and make that our focus point. Especially in the face of challenge and obstacles it’s important to keep the end in mind. You must have empathy and think on another level about how your behavior and decisions interact with the issue at hand. Particularly with recent events and how everyone seems to be in their own echo chamber due to social media algorithms and conversations with friends, I would make the following suggestion: Closed-mindedness cannot drive out closed-mindedness, only open-mindedness can do that. 

There are too many things going on in the world right now to keep track of it all, but let’s use MLKs example to remind us about the importance of racial equality. Our generation has inherited a sad and traumatic history, and it’s up to us to be self-aware and recognize how that history is present in our lives. May we move forward with light, love, and open-mindedness.