Let me tell you a story about something that happened to me recently.

I was out at my girlfriend’s birthday party and we were having a blast, playing board games, cracking jokes, it was a good time. But, one person had a little bit too much of a good time and drank more than they expected. I’m proud to say, the people at the party came to her defense and took her keys so that she couldn’t drive home. I was sober and ended up driving her car to my girlfriends place for safe keeping. Disaster averted!

Well, not so fast!  

The next morning, we stepped outside and the car was gone. We paced up and down the block looking for her car and it was nowhere to be found. Was it towed? Was it stolen? Had she come by and grabbed it? I couldn’t help but feel responsible because I was the last person to have known its location. Then, I started second guessing myself. Did I leave the car unlocked?  I had a few things in my hands, maybe I forgot to lock it. Plus, her keys looked exactly like mine because we both have Subaru's. So, did I make a mistake and try locking the car with the wrong set of keys? My mind went wild and I thought I totally blew it.

Long story short, she came by with her spare key and drove it home, not telling us that she did so. And let me tell you, it was a massive wave of relief!

But, the interesting part is, I doubted myself. I’d like to think I’m a fairly responsible guy, but when the hint of a mistake crept in I started thinking about all of the mistakes I could have made, and was convincing myself one was true. But, alas, that wasn’t the case, just a simple miscommunication.

I say this all as a reminder to trust your gut. I should have known that I did the right thing and would receive the right result. It’s okay to make mistakes, but that shouldn’t become our default way of thinking. Trust your own capabilities and it’s likely you’ll be able to take care of yourself!

“Smile, forgive, forget, and keep moving on.”  Let’s tackle each of these one at a time.

Smile. The act of smiling causes a physiological response that release neurotransmitters that can positively affect your mood. Smiling also communicates to others that you are happy, which will cause them to reciprocate, and create a happier and more positive environment.

Forgive. Things in the past can’t be changed. The only thing you can do is choose how you feel about things in the present. And forgiveness helps you come to terms with the situation you have, and will help you move forward.

Forget. We don’t need to find a solution for everything.  Some things are best kept in the corner, covered, and out of sight. If it’s something that elicits a negative response, then come to terms with it, have confidence with that interpretation, and purge.

Keep moving on. That’s the only thing we can do right? Life will continue with or without you, and as Ferris Bueller once said, “life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it”.

We have a tendency to hold on to decisions for way longer than we should. We might do it so that we maintain credibility, we don’t bruise our ego, or we are averse to the discomfort of making the change. let’s talk through it!

First, let’s understand the nature of it. A couple of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s pillars of influence is commitment and consistency, which is definitely at play here.  Essentially, we have a natural preference to make decisions that align with previous decisions, so that our brains don’t have to rationalize that we made a mistake or that something is wrong. Unfortunately, it’s a defense mechanism that is out of place.

Instead, think about your situation in the present.  Ask yourself the question, without going into the past, what is it that you want to do today?  Focusing on the present should give you extra clarity on the situation, and how you much want to move forward with it. For instance, if you’re in a long-term relationship that could end in a messy and complicated break up, that might be enough reason for you to try and suck it up and stay in it. However, looking objectively at the situation and making a decision in the present moment without fear, is really powerful.

In sum, not all of these decision are mistakes. You made the decision initially because you thought it was right.  The mistake might be how long you have tolerated a certain situation or decision that has impacted you negatively, and it’s important to be aware of that.

So, “don’’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”. Move forward with what is best for your life, and take it all in stride.  

The first and most important step to making anything happen is to believe that you can.  For whatever reason, human’s have a tendency to self-sabotage. Even when it’s meant to be positive. For the example, saying “Don’t mess up”, your mind holds on to the word “don’t” and interprets it as “I can’t”. And then that thought gets applied to the rest of the statement, reinforcing your concern, in this case, “mess up”.

Self-doubt is incredibly crippling, and a slippery slope for all of us to go down because it will become a defense mechanism with time. Fortunately for us, there are ways to overcome self-doubt, and instill confidence in yourself and capabilities.

One thing I really like doing is to recite positive affirmations. As cheesy as it sounds, flooding yourself with positively oriented messages helps your brain hold on to those ideas and start believing them wholeheartedly. Once you open your mind to the habit of success, you will begin attaining it!

Believe in yourself and turn your dreams to a reality!

Sharing a bit of personal experience, this used to be a huge issue for me. I would way too often compromise what I wanted because of a lack of self confidence. I feared that I would offend someone, or inconvenience someone, or jeapordize a relationship if I interjected. As a result, I found myself in situations where I wasn’t entirely happy with the result, and reflecting on my own actions and why I couldn’t stand up for myself.

Well, I have gotten over this fear (for the most part), but it was a process. In sales, my colleague introduced me to the expression “a closed mouth don’t get fed”, and I learned to speak up for myself to earn business. When I started asking, I started receiving, and it helped me feel more confident that I had realistic expectations and that I could have what I want.  

However, I must state, that this shouldn’t be abused. It is essential to know when the right moments are to ask for something, because making unjustified demands can work out poorly for you.

So, what I would do is start small. When your server gets part of your order wrong, kindly ask for a correction. Or, if there is a discrepancy in price, nicely ask for clarification. Use small examples like that to build up your courage and confidence to ask for the things that you want. 

I came across an interesting thought in the book I am reading right now, which is This is Marketing, by Seth Godin. Godin gave an example about picking your battles, and understanding the scope and playing field that you belong on. The example is as follows. You have a small bottle of purple dye, and when you put just a drop of it on your skin, the exposed area becomes a vibrant purple and it’s tough to get it off.  Then, you take that same dye and put a drop of it in a pool. Not much happens. You then pour the whole bottle in and it subtly changes the color of the water. Then, you go to the ocean, and try putting both a drop of dye and the whole bottle of dye in the water, realizing that it has absolutely no effect on the color of the ocean.

What’s the message here? Select a challenge you are capable of conquering. 

Oftentimes we have a really ambitious vision for something we want to create or get done. But, as we’ve all heard, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to think about the necessary steps and protocol to begin working toward that larger vision. Picking a hurdle you can leap does a few important things with your motivation and effort. First, you set yourself up for the possibility of success instead of instant failure. The positive relationship that you develop with your task serves as a surge of momentum that will help you to take action, and provide the necessary motivation. Let’s also think about this physically.  Leaping over a smaller hurdle will train you to be able to do a one day leap over the larger hurdle you previously couldn’t surmount. But, if you spend your time initially on that first larger hurdle, you might be putting your effort in the wrong places, and not make the same kind of progress. So, similarly with your task, understanding how to do it on a smaller level will serve you on a larger level.

So, think about that hurdle you want to leap over, and maybe think about the smaller hurdle in front of it that will give you the momentum and training you need to get over it.

The quote,“Your mind is a powerful thing. When you fill it with positive thoughts, your life will start to change”, relates to perspective. Our minds rationalize things a certain way that fit the schemes and categories that we are accustomed to. They have been developed over the course of our lives and are rigid and very different from other minds. But the inherent part to perspective is that it is entirely subjective, and if that’s the case, then why can’t we induce this sense of conviction?  We hold strongly onto the perspective we have, which is a good thing because it’s important to trust your instincts, but what If we could deliberately choose what we wanted to believe.

A great example of this is positivity! Take this scenario. You set aside $10 for lunch, then realize that you left $5 at home. How do you interpret it? Are you bummed that you can’t order the sandwich and the smoothie, or are you grateful that you don’t have to worry about where your next meal is coming from?

Sure, that’s an extreme example, but do you get the concept?  If we choose a certain, positive perspective, our brain is powerful enough to rationalize that into its reality.  When your brain begins defaulting to seeing things in a positive light, your life most definitely will start to change.

This one goes a bit against some of the other things I’ve shared with you over previous episodes, but at the end it will all tie together so don’t be alarmed. In the spirit of self-improvement, everyone has a different relationship with each tip and what works best for them, so at the very least this provides a different angle for you to think about.

Lets talk about pattern disrupts.  Basically, a pattern disrupt is something that takes you out of your routine ever so slightly, forcing you to operate in uncomfortable circumstances. But, in discomfort comes accommodation and growth. It allows you to access new frontiers in very subtle ways.

There are two primary ways to think about this.  First is a routine reset. If you find yourself going down the slippery slope of negative habits like low motivation or fatigue, disrupt that pattern by doing something out of your comfort zone, like turning your shower on cold. The disruption serves as a wake up call to your task which can help you restart with the right mentality.

Or, what I use it for most often, is subtle disruptions to a positive routine. When you are in the flow of things and getting stuff done, introducing a little variation and disruption can help you train and prepare for distractions. Getting yourself in that head-space to be able to handle small deviations to your routine is an effective way to mimic those situations. Some things that I do is I set my alarms and timers to create weird numbers like a 6:37 wake up time. These deviations push me so slightly off my routine, and it helps me practice refocusing.

Find opportunities for pattern disrupts in your day, and challenge yourself to grow just a little bit as a result.