I wanted to feature our humble and enlightened SISD guest, Dr. Saamdu Chetri. Saamdu was a part of implementing Gross National Happiness, which is a governing structure that prioritizes the wellbeing of people over economic output. The full conversation is really eye opening, and I’m excited for you to hear it, but for now let’s listen to this short bit Saamdu shared about mindfulness.

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Saamdu’s perspective is really refreshing and needed in today’s crazy world. We should spend more of our time in appreciation of what we have in the moment, understanding the miracle that it is, and find meaning and fulfillment in what’s happening right now.

This is a scary time, and I hope that you’re safe. I know I talked about having self-awareness previously, and that message is still important, but seeing self awareness through the lens of the Black Lives Matter movement is far more urgent.

I am the definition of White privilege. I have had every opportunity to excel in my life, and sure, I’ve made the most of it, but that’s not where the conversation should end. Something that has been on my mind lately is that Youtube Video that involves the race for the $100 bill. Kids were asked to take steps forward if they had their college paid for, parents that were together, and a bunch of other inherited privileges. Then they were asked to race to the end, winner gets $100. The truth here is that the kids who never took a step forward, many of them being Black, didn’t even have a chance to win because the odds were stacked so far against them. That’s our society in America, and we need to address it.

It’s important to acknowledge how you might have received some of those steps that others didn’t. Yes, your family worked hard to provide that for you, but they also started a few steps ahead themselves. And that comes from the racial bias integrated into the very systems that determine achievement and opportunity.

The fact that Black people in America aren’t safe, especially in the hands of police officers and those responsible for protecting them, is devastating. But, Black Lives Matter is not only about safety. That safety is being threatened by the systems in place, which is taught at a very young age, to change the way white people perceive Black people. I am the problem. I have strong racial biases, because I grew up in a system that I never questioned. Consciously, I choose to love everyone regardless of who they are. But, unconsciously I have biases that affect me in ways that are only now coming to light.

The thesis here is have self-awareness. Because from awareness comes choice, and your choices matter more than ever. I have been ignorant on the issue for far too long, and I can’t fix it. However, I can find ways to play my role in being a part of the solution.

Let’s talk about self-awareness. 

Self awareness is usually mentioned in the context of your abilities relative to someone else’s. This is the idea of knowing your strengths and staying in your lane, your upbringing as compared to someone else’s, and your interests and passions that are born out of your own unique experience. Yes, that’s all true, but that’s only half of it.

The second half is covered beautifully in a quote by Debbie Ford, that goes as follows: “Self Awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without attachment to it being right or wrong”. What this means to me, is self-awareness does not involve judgment. It’s merely an observation of how things are, not being critical of how you wish things were different. What this does is it allows you to accept yourself as you are, feel liberated in your truth, and create your life from a place of authenticity.

It’s easier said than done, I know, but each one of us in our heart has an ability to accept ourselves for who we are, and then use that to do something amazing! I have an idea about how we might get started.

I wanted to make a distinction between two important terms that I think we can all relate to. This specifically pertains to when things don’t go right and how we handle poor performance in a team setting. The two terms we’re dissecting today are “fault” and “responsibility”.

I know they already sound very different, but it’s not immediately obvious why that is. Let’s explore that.

The first difference is in the implied time frame. When someone is at fault it, focuses on the past and how things were meant to go. Yes, that’s when the error or oversight took place, but what good is it talking about something in a way that can’t be changed? When it is someone’s responsibility, you still create the opportunity for a constructive confrontation but do so in a way that suggests there are actions today that can remedy the error. Leaning more into the ways things can be fixed than just the things that went wrong.

A second big differentiator, is the mindset and intent you take in addressing the error. When you say that someone is at fault, they are blamed for causing the negative result and the consequences that comes with it.  The focus here is on how things went wrong, which comes from a less collaborative place. When you recognize it was someone’s responsibility to manage something, and that thing went wrong, then you’re taking a more holistic angle that implies this isn’t an incident in isolation. It acknowledges that they had responsibility outside of this specific instance, suggesting there were many times everything went right! It also provides more perspective to the problem and respects the work typically required to maintain whatever was neglected, suggesting that sure this didn’t go according to plan and that’s not okay but it is a mistake among other positive performances.

That’s the way I see it anyway. If at all possible, limit the amount of fault you assign to people when things go wrong. Instead, try to acknowledge their responsibilities in order to have a more constructive conversation.

Remember the hot cold game? As a kid, you’d play it to figure out if you’re getting closer or further from some mystery object, and you’re friend would say “warmer” or “colder” to tell you how you were doing? Well, let’s use that same basic concept and now apply it to something else.

Every single day, we make a number of decisions, and those decisions affect us in imperceivable ways. After going to the gym for a day, you might get a little swole, but the next day does it look any different? After having ice cream for dessert do you feel your cholesterol rising? Of course not, it sounds pretty ridiculous, but those decisions are important nonetheless because it’s after hundreds of those choices when you start to notice the results of them.

So, going back to the hot cold game. Every positive decision you make, you’re getting warmer! You’re inching closer to your goal or dream, or the person you want to be. And, in taking that positive step, you affirm that it’s something you’re committed to achieving and you reinforce the importance of taking that action. By recognizing that you’re getting warmer, you turn that distant “delayed gratification” into an acknowledgment and reward in the present moment.

Now, if you think through the hot cold game, how did you use to play it? It was a big game of trial and error! You would take a couple steps, wait for feedback, take a few more steps, wait for more feedback, until eventually you found what you were looking for. In this adult version of the game we do the same, but instead it takes the form of integrity check ins. You need to be reminded why you’re looking for that object in the first place, why that dream matters to you, so you can then compare that intent to the actions you’re taking. It’ll be pretty easy to know if you’re getting warmer or colder with each step you take.

I was on a morning run, and I had just picked up the pace because I was nearing the end, when I saw probably 20 pigeons all on the sidewalk in front of me pecking at something. With my blistering pace I startled them as I gained ground and naturally they all got up in a fuss and flew away at the same time. Makes sense, as I approached, I startled them and they relied on a built in fight or flight response that has helped them to survive for hundreds of thousands of years as a species. What was interesting though, was that they didn’t all just fly away, they all scattered randomly at first, then came together and flew in a coordinated pack with a strange amount of order. 

I believe the way pigeons responded to me as a threat in this situation is very similar to how we as humans respond to threats. We also have responses built up over generations of survival of the fittest and evolution, but something we underestimate is that we also have responses built up over our lifetime that we have come to find comfort in. When we’re exposed to a threat, and not necessarily a physical threat but an emotional, social, or psychological threat, many of us turn inward out of emotional protection. The opportunity here is if we take an extra moment to think through our unconscious response, we might be able to pursue a distinct advantage. 

Let’s use the pigeons here as an example. If one pigeon had the presence to know that their “fly away” response wasn’t necessary, and instead had hopped out of the way, it would have been able to return to pecking at the ground again sooner. This would violate their natural instinct but would produce a better result.

As humans, we have knee jerk reactions to so many things like bad news, awkward moments, and failure. In the face of these moments, we tend to resort to what’s comfortable. But what might be more advantageous, is if we can continue on and discover the opportunity hidden behind the knee jerk reaction, then we can begin making progress more often in a meaningful way.

What I’ve realized is that everything that exists collectively is rooted in personal choice. It all comes back to people and the decisions we make. While climate change, poverty, and the prison system all seem too daunting to ever be able to make a difference, I disagree. Those systems were manufactured by humans and therefore can be corrected by humans. It’s not going to be easy, of course not, but it needs to start somewhere right? You’re a human aren’t you?

I’m fascinated by what it means to “make a difference”, and specifically how helpless we sometimes feel when we want to make a difference. But I am telling you the work you do to support an important cause creates a magnitude of change far beyond what you believe, because you are leading the way! You are setting the example, and in order to create a change in the world you need to lead by example and embody that solution. That’s why before you can do, you must be.

Let’s say there’s something you’ve always wanted, like you’ve always wanted to be an architect. So, you went to college and studied what was required to have a competitive application to get into a graduate architecture program. Then, you go and you finish it and you get a job at a prominent architecture firm! Great work, success, you did it!

Until you realize you don’t enjoy the work and you’re not happy. Now what?

Examples similar to this happen across the board to everyone in all areas of our life. Jobs, relationships, commitments, and habits. Not all examples have that same amount of investment, but they are all relatable in the same way. You have a difficult time letting go of the way things were supposed to be.

You criticize yourself for not feeling better about it, and feel bad for yourself because you’ve wasted so much of your energy and time. But, the most important thing to do is to breathe in deep and recognize the truth that it might not be a good fit.

I believe there are two reasons why we have such a difficult time exiting situations that we know are no longer serving us. The first is out of respect for your past, and recognizing the time and effort you put into creating that situation. It’s something we hold onto for too long. Second, is we prefer our comfort, and enduring the pain we know is more appealing than navigating a foreign “potential pain”. This is the devil you know or the devil you don’t.

This is how I want you to think about it. This world changes fast. And a piece that fit the puzzle of your life may no longer have a spot anymore because you change too. With that in mind, it’s important to acknowledge that a piece may no longer fit. And that’s okay, because ultimately you want to pursue what belongs and feels right.