Self Improvement Daily Podcast

Living our best lives involves living with self-confidence. And not with arrogance or a distorted sense of self, but grounded and humble self-belief.

When you break down the roots of the word ‘confidence’ you get ‘con-fidere’, which in Latin means ‘intense trust’.

This means you have wholehearted conviction that you’re capable of creating a desired result, or performing at the level required of you. It also means that when you stretch yourself and risk failing or not meeting expectations, you have the self-esteem to keep your life intact and move on without it completely destroying your momentum.

When you get to that level of confidence, you’re showing up for life with more boldness and speed. It’s what we all want, which begs the question: “How do you build confidence?”

Ed Mylett says you build confidence by keeping the promises you make to yourself. The more times you do that, the more evidence you have to believe that when you say something, you mean it. Conviction is earned through instances of delivering on your commitments.

Layer on to that what Heather Monahan says, which is that confidence is the byproduct of action. When you show up every day and take action, even when you’re scared or you’re not fully ready, you build confidence. You earn intense trust in yourself because you prove that you are above your circumstances and can make yourself do hard things when you don’t feel like it.

Now here’s the kicker: What you do in private does so much more for your self-confidence than anything else.

When others know your commitments and have expectations of you, other factors are influencing how you show up. There are external consequences to the choices you make that impact you unconsciously. But when you strip away of all that external influence, your true character comes out and you face up with who you really are, and if you can really count on yourself. 

If you keep the promises you make to yourself in private… And take action in brave and empowered ways even when no one is watching… It reinforces authentic self-belief.

So take yourself seriously. Understand what’s at stake. How you do one thing is how you do everything, especially when it comes to your confidence. Because when you hold yourself to a higher standard at all times, no matter who knows it and even with the small things, you prove to yourself that you’re the type of person who does what they say they’re going to do.

If you’re looking to connect better with others, come to understand what’s really going on at a deeper level, or even do the same for yourself, here’s a really powerful phrase to use:

What that really means is…

Often, our conversations and understandings stagnate at a superficial level. The entry point to sharing our thoughts and feelings are the things that are most present. The things we’re already thinking about the most and most aware of. But in every case it’s just the fractional expression of what lies underneath. It's the tip of the iceberg that is visible above water but not representing the fuller truth below.

When you ask someone “What does that really mean?” it pierces that layer deeper. The nature of the questions asks them to get introspective, discover, and share on that next level. It takes the frame that the current discussion is the symptom of an underlying root cause and asks them to identify it.

It invites vulnerability. They shared at a superficial level because it was more comfortable and familiar. Understanding what something really means deep down gets them speaking into what they are also aware is true but didn’t want to say. And it’s not that you’re making them share a secret, but offering to hold space for something they haven’t had the opportunity to give voice to.

Take the same line of thinking and apply it to yourself - See what’s presenting and explore what that really means. It’s a practice that makes you way more self-aware in that it points out your blindspots, stories, and things being blown way out of proportion. It gets to the heart of what’s actually happening so that you can change the way you relate with it. 

Let’s look at a few examples: 

“I’m sick of my job”, but what that really means is “I feel like my time is more valuable than what I’m doing 50% of my waking hours.” 

“I’ll do it next time”, but what that really means is “I don’t have the confidence right now to try, and I want to feel more prepared and ready before I give it a go.”

Or “I can’t move forward with this program”, but what that really means is “I’m scared I’ll fail and look stupid, and have to face up with the fear that I was never capable of the success I see for myself in the first place.”

There’s a reason why it’s a popular question to ask in a sales call or use in sales copy. It brings to the surface what’s really going on, the real problem someone is facing. With that awareness they can face off with the problem head on. Otherwise, it might not be something that motivates them enough to change.

Something that has become central to my understanding of behavior change is that your environment is everything.

We live unconsciously 95% of the time, which means that for most of the day we are just drifting in whatever direction our environment is taking us. We make the choices, take the actions, and get the results that are perfectly calibrated to our environment.

Things don’t happen by mistake or chance, they’re the perfect byproduct of our design.

Environment shows up in many ways you wouldn’t even realize. Our belief system is an environment where we unconsciously assign meaning to the world around us, which shapes our thoughts. Having clarity and an action plan is an environment because it highlights the path we want to take, and helps us avoid getting hijacked by confusion. 

But the environment I want to elaborate more on today is our physical state. Your state is your internal environment.

The health, energy, and vitality that you experience internally plays a huge role in what manifests externally. You’re more likely to get in the gym when you’re not exhausted. You’re less irritable and argumentative with people when you’ve eaten. You can better put off distractions and stay focused when you’re feeling good.

Why? Because you’ve created a supportive internal environment, one that promotes more of what you want and less of what you don’t.

This is why it’s so important to make healthy choices. Quality exercise, diet, and rest increase your energy levels. With more energy, not only do you have more conscious control of yourself and your feelings, but unconsciously you’re being pushed in a more empowered direction.

A positive physical state helps you show up to everyday moments with more presence, focus, and quality without even having to think about it. It’s a filter that goes on top of everything you do.

If you know that you’re not living the healthy lifestyle you want, and you’re ready to really start prioritizing it (even through busy life with endless responsibilities that make it hard to do), you should sign up for the 21 Day Super Habits Challenge. It will make you unrecognizably disciplined as you consistently make the healthy choice by walking you through a step by step process that takes only 5 minutes a day to do.

One of the most consistent pieces of advice we’ve all been given is a reminder to “focus on the process”.

It connects in with other common guidelines: Finding validation in the day to day and not getting too attached to outcomes… It’s the journey not the destination… But it’s a recommendation that goes beyond finding fulfillment. It’s also the direction of generating results.

In business, people talk about  KPIs - "Key Performance Indicators". These are the metrics that determine if things are headed the right direction. Businesses are complex so it’s helpful to have one datapoint that you measure to know if your actions are driving meaningful change. 

But those are related the outcomes, the tangible shifts in reality that occurred. Equally important to measure is the consistency with which we’re taking strategic action, which we do in good faith that they’ll steer the outcomes in our favor.

That’s why as far as KPIs go, there are two types: Leading metrics and lagging metrics.

Leading metrics refer to the inputs that are in your direct control - the actions and the way you’re working the process. Lagging indicators are the results that come about based on those leading actions, which represent the ultimate transformation you’re trying to create.

The reason I make that distinction is because when we talk about focusing on the process, there's an acceptance that the results are out of our control. We can commit to taking actions in ways that we believe are most likely to generate the results we want, and that’s exactly what we should do, but the results aren’t guaranteed. 

Cause and effect is real. Certain inputs tend to generate certain outputs. And that’s where the art and science comes in - How do you take in feedback to change your approach so that you maximize your ability to obtain a desired outcome? This is a strategic process. It’s not part of the day to day and should only happen at certain intervals.

The balance is: We define the strategy in one focused session (to support our success toward achieving lagging indicators) to then allocate the majority of our attention focusing on the process (executing the plan consistently to meet leading indicators). 

Daily actions are derived from our committed strategies, which support the achievement of our stated goals. And you need clarity at each step to ensure your efforts are materializing into what you want. 

Two established ingredients for a successful life are good habits and discipline. There’s something immeasurable about the power of consistency that creates exponential results wherever it’s applied. It’s what Darren Hardy has coined as “The Compound Effect” and what Albert Einstein references when he says “Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world.”

With that in mind, I want to pose the question: How do you build the habit of being disciplined?

Oftentimes people muddy up personal development terms and say things that sound good but don’t have real meaning or actionable value. That’s what I originally thought about this, until I chose to break it down into its elements.

As I understand it, a habit is “an action that’s completed with a reliable frequency, often without needing to think about it”. That’s why good habits are so powerful. When you have them, you automatically do things that contribute to improving your health, work, and life. Those positive actions generate positive results that add up to extraordinary outcomes over time.

As for discipline, I define it as “following through on doing the thing that most serves you, consistently, despite the circumstances around you”. Self-discipline isn’t doing what you said you were going to do at all costs, it involves thoughtfulness to determine what choice makes the biggest impact and executing that.

So if you put the two together, here’s my summary: The habit of self-discipline is “the act of consistently making the choice that most serves you despite the circumstances around it”. It’s a foundation that applies to all areas of your life. It’s a constant filter being applied to everything that keeps you accountable, intentional, and resilient.

Ideally, the habit of self-discipline is effortless. Imagine unconsciously making the self-disciplined choice without having to think about it, negotiate with yourself, or talk yourself into it. That it’s just a natural part of everything you do.

That’s possible when you have a self-disciplined mindset, one that comes from the belief system and identity that you are a self-disciplined person. I call this having a ‘best-self reflex’ where unconsciously you respond to life’s situations by making good, positive, empowering choices that you never regret.

Like any belief system, that transformation must be earned. And the best way to install a new unconscious program is by consciously drilling it into your psychology. In other words, to be hyper-intentional about taking action in alignment with the new belief until your unconscious mind is convinced that it’s just who you are. 

There’s a lot more to share on this, and I’ve created a video you can watch that talks about it in much more detail and teaches you how to install your own ‘best-self reflex’ for yourself. You can watch that here and start building your own 'best-self reflex' today.

One of the biggest things keeping us from taking action on our dreams, goals, and ambitions is knowing how to do it. We can spend years in the uncertainty of what to do that we miss out on the progress we could have been making had we just gotten started. This goes for things as big as launching a new business, or as small as making healthy choices while traveling. 

When it comes to figuring things out, there’s really 3 paths forward: Ask for help, do some research, and give it a try.

Asking for help is probably the fastest way to figure something out. Someone who’s already been there and done that can provide real insight into what needs to be done. The problem is, we get in our own way and fail to ask for help enough.

We’re embarrassed that we don’t know how to do it… We don’t want to inconvenience someone else… We’re afraid to admit we don’t know what we’re doing… And it keeps us from tapping into the most helpful resource we have - the knowledge of other people. 

Doing research is a bit of a trap. We figure we’re being productive in figuring something out because we’re putting time into it, but it’s also a form of procrastination. It’s safer to prepare than it is to take action and risk failure. Many people get stuck researching too much and it keeps them busy doing something else that they don't actually getting anything done.

Which is why giving it a try is a great way to figure things out. This gives you real, hands-on feedback. Rather than debating the theory of what might happen, you get to observe what actually happens. With that newfound knowledge you are better positioned to make another better attempt, and slowly optimize your way forward.

It’s a silly example, but I was staying at my friend’s place in Austin, Texas and utilized all 3 of these methods to help me figure out how to make healthy choices. To have healthy food available, I researched the nearest grocery store and found one within walking distance. To get consistent workouts in, I needed to figure out where the onsite gym was. I could have put it off, but the first day I was there I went searching for it. I got the the floor of the apartment complex I thought it would be on (giving it a try), and had people point me in the right direction until I found it (asked for help).

The truth of it is,  we make up in our minds that something is going to be difficult, elaborate, or complicated. But once we get started in trying to figure it out, it quickly unfolds. What’s uncertain is often blown out of proportion. What’s known is more tangible and therefore, less overwhelming. So whatever it is for you that you’ve been putting off because it’s such a big project, or so unknown that you don’t know where to start, put some time into it and you’ll find it’s not as scary as you think.

Central to personal development is setting goals. A good goal helps you align your actions so that you make direct progress toward what you most want. The more objective the goal is with measurements, details, and timelines... The more effective because it acts as an even stronger filter.

But setting goals is different than achieving them. For years I was guilty of setting big, ambitious goals, but I didn’t have an action plan to put behind them. Once I learned that each goal needs strategies and tactics, that serve as the most likely path to realizing the goal, that's when I actually started achieving the goals I was setting and making progress in my life.

However, there’s more to it than that. Once you have your goals, strategies, and tactics, there’s still resistance. Even though we have our game plan it still seems like something is getting in the way and it causes us to not follow through.

This is where I want to introduce the concept of unspoken goals. Unspoken goals are the unconscious needs that you want to maintain in pursuit of your consciously selected goal. They’re the conditions your mind wants to make progress within, and oftentimes they come in direct competition with what you’re telling yourself you want. They’re ‘unspoken’ because a lot of the time we aren’t even aware that we have them, and they play a role without us even realizing it.

For example, let’s say you have a goal to double your business in the next year. The strategy is that you’re going to increase lead volume by posting on social media, and the tactic is to post a video on LinkedIn and Instagram 3 times a week. The ‘unspoken goal’, the unconscious need that influences how you show up for that, is that you don’t want to embarrass yourself or look stupid. 

Without conscious effort, your mind wants the ‘unspoken goal’ more than your business growth goal, and since you can’t have both, that’s the goal you get.

When you consciously want one thing but unconsciously want another that exists in direct opposition to the first... it’s called having ‘competing commitments’. As you can imagine, two commitments that are ‘in competition’ battle it out until one wins. In most cases, the ‘unspoken goal’, the unconscious need, usually wins.

This is part of the resistance we always feel anytime we’re pushing for something new. By definition, it’s going to be different from what’s familiar and comfortable, and our unconscious mind will always fight to maintain things as they are. But you are in control, and the people who can navigate the fear, uncertainty, and doubt that comes with growth are the ones who make the fastest progress.

If you want to understand this resistance I'm talking about and see how it works for yourself, I've made a whiteboard video that walks you through it. Click here to watch it!