What That Really Means Is...

If you’re looking to connect better with others, come to understand what’s really going on at a deeper level, or even do the same for yourself, here’s a really powerful phrase to use:

What that really means is…

Often, our conversations and understandings stagnate at a superficial level. The entry point to sharing our thoughts and feelings are the things that are most present. The things we’re already thinking about the most and most aware of. But in every case it’s just the fractional expression of what lies underneath. It's the tip of the iceberg that is visible above water but not representing the fuller truth below.

When you ask someone “What does that really mean?” it pierces that layer deeper. The nature of the questions asks them to get introspective, discover, and share on that next level. It takes the frame that the current discussion is the symptom of an underlying root cause and asks them to identify it.

It invites vulnerability. They shared at a superficial level because it was more comfortable and familiar. Understanding what something really means deep down gets them speaking into what they are also aware is true but didn’t want to say. And it’s not that you’re making them share a secret, but offering to hold space for something they haven’t had the opportunity to give voice to.

Take the same line of thinking and apply it to yourself - See what’s presenting and explore what that really means. It’s a practice that makes you way more self-aware in that it points out your blindspots, stories, and things being blown way out of proportion. It gets to the heart of what’s actually happening so that you can change the way you relate with it. 

Let’s look at a few examples: 

“I’m sick of my job”, but what that really means is “I feel like my time is more valuable than what I’m doing 50% of my waking hours.” 

“I’ll do it next time”, but what that really means is “I don’t have the confidence right now to try, and I want to feel more prepared and ready before I give it a go.”

Or “I can’t move forward with this program”, but what that really means is “I’m scared I’ll fail and look stupid, and have to face up with the fear that I was never capable of the success I see for myself in the first place.”

There’s a reason why it’s a popular question to ask in a sales call or use in sales copy. It brings to the surface what’s really going on, the real problem someone is facing. With that awareness they can face off with the problem head on. Otherwise, it might not be something that motivates them enough to change.