This quote is similar to the distinction between 'playing not to lose' and 'playing to win'.  When you play not to lose, your focus is on not making mistakes. Your execution will become really rigid.  You’re more likely to put pressure on yourself and not perform like you should.  On the other hand, when you play to win, you have nothing to lose and can attack the challenge head on.  This allows you to take chances on your way to earning the result, without fear of what might happen.

To continue, using a lens of positivity helps you see opportunity. The reality of every situation we inherit is we can either go up or go down. You can get promoted, or you can get fired. You can get engaged or break up. Although both possibilities seem equally likely, when you choose to focus on what there is to gain, the perspective you choose tends to be favored in your life and transpire more often than you would think.  So, use positivity to see all that there is to gain. Don’t focus on what you have to lose.

The question is: Should you care what others think about you?

If I’m being honest with myself, I do. I do care what others think about me. I definitely identify with living a lifestyle that other people respect and appreciate. But, having said that, I am going to present both sides of the case, but ultimately I’m most curious to know what you think!

First, I’ll present the opposite argument which is the assumption that you shouldn't care what other people think. Why should we live to meet others expectations? It’s a sad life if we can’t find fulfillment intrinsically, and you’ll never find true happiness if you don’t do things 100% for yourself. If anything, others’ expectations are suppressing our most natural state, right?

Okay fair, but let’s listen to the counter assumption,which is why should you care what others think about you? Well, for one, we live in a world full of people, it’s not just us and the planet. So, isn’t it important to understand our role in the ecosystem, and be sure that we are contributing in a generally positive way? Or, even looking at the individual, some people respond better to external accountability, and don’t necessarily even know what’s best for them. So, being open to others’ opinions and critique might actually present a path where they are better suited to succeed or find that eventual intrinsic joy.

I want to introduce you to a resource I just learned about by way of habit formation expert, Nir Eyal.  

It’s called Focusmate, and basically, it helps you find a temporary online accountability partner. You log on to the website, become paired with a motivated stranger, share your action items for the working time period, and get to work! At the end, you tell them about how you did and go on your way.  

If you are working from home, have an important project to get done or list of online errands to take care of, then this could be an awesome solution. What it does first is it forces you to come up with a list of things to tackle in the next hour, because you will share that list with your Focusmate partner. When it comes time to get to work, you have a list of things to get through, so you have no shortage of things to do, as well as the external accountability of someone else who is going to ask you about your productivity. I imagine it makes for an awesome combination. So, if you’re a lone entrepreneur or looking for a bump in motivation for a few hours, definitely give Focusmate a try! 

But, accountability comes in so many different forms. For instance, there’s hour to hour motivational accountability, accountability to responsibilities and expectations, maybe from a boss, and accountability to a certain lifestyle or attaining personal growth.

CEO, Kim Kaupe, has a really valuable message to share as her main takeaway from the Ms. USA pageant judging experience.

We look up to celebrities and wildly successful people like they aren’t human, but when you look a layer deeper you realize they are a person, just like you, who started small, worked hard, and earned their way. If it happened for them, why can’t it happen to you?  It’s okay to dream big because if one person can accomplish something, why not make it you? And why not start now?

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Let me tell you a story about something that happened to me recently.

I was out at my girlfriend’s birthday party and we were having a blast, playing board games, cracking jokes, it was a good time. But, one person had a little bit too much of a good time and drank more than they expected. I’m proud to say, the people at the party came to her defense and took her keys so that she couldn’t drive home. I was sober and ended up driving her car to my girlfriends place for safe keeping. Disaster averted!

Well, not so fast!  

The next morning, we stepped outside and the car was gone. We paced up and down the block looking for her car and it was nowhere to be found. Was it towed? Was it stolen? Had she come by and grabbed it? I couldn’t help but feel responsible because I was the last person to have known its location. Then, I started second guessing myself. Did I leave the car unlocked?  I had a few things in my hands, maybe I forgot to lock it. Plus, her keys looked exactly like mine because we both have Subaru's. So, did I make a mistake and try locking the car with the wrong set of keys? My mind went wild and I thought I totally blew it.

Long story short, she came by with her spare key and drove it home, not telling us that she did so. And let me tell you, it was a massive wave of relief!

But, the interesting part is, I doubted myself. I’d like to think I’m a fairly responsible guy, but when the hint of a mistake crept in I started thinking about all of the mistakes I could have made, and was convincing myself one was true. But, alas, that wasn’t the case, just a simple miscommunication.

I say this all as a reminder to trust your gut. I should have known that I did the right thing and would receive the right result. It’s okay to make mistakes, but that shouldn’t become our default way of thinking. Trust your own capabilities and it’s likely you’ll be able to take care of yourself!

“Smile, forgive, forget, and keep moving on.”  Let’s tackle each of these one at a time.

Smile. The act of smiling causes a physiological response that release neurotransmitters that can positively affect your mood. Smiling also communicates to others that you are happy, which will cause them to reciprocate, and create a happier and more positive environment.

Forgive. Things in the past can’t be changed. The only thing you can do is choose how you feel about things in the present. And forgiveness helps you come to terms with the situation you have, and will help you move forward.

Forget. We don’t need to find a solution for everything.  Some things are best kept in the corner, covered, and out of sight. If it’s something that elicits a negative response, then come to terms with it, have confidence with that interpretation, and purge.

Keep moving on. That’s the only thing we can do right? Life will continue with or without you, and as Ferris Bueller once said, “life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it”.

We have a tendency to hold on to decisions for way longer than we should. We might do it so that we maintain credibility, we don’t bruise our ego, or we are averse to the discomfort of making the change. let’s talk through it!

First, let’s understand the nature of it. A couple of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s pillars of influence is commitment and consistency, which is definitely at play here.  Essentially, we have a natural preference to make decisions that align with previous decisions, so that our brains don’t have to rationalize that we made a mistake or that something is wrong. Unfortunately, it’s a defense mechanism that is out of place.

Instead, think about your situation in the present.  Ask yourself the question, without going into the past, what is it that you want to do today?  Focusing on the present should give you extra clarity on the situation, and how you much want to move forward with it. For instance, if you’re in a long-term relationship that could end in a messy and complicated break up, that might be enough reason for you to try and suck it up and stay in it. However, looking objectively at the situation and making a decision in the present moment without fear, is really powerful.

In sum, not all of these decision are mistakes. You made the decision initially because you thought it was right.  The mistake might be how long you have tolerated a certain situation or decision that has impacted you negatively, and it’s important to be aware of that.

So, “don’’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”. Move forward with what is best for your life, and take it all in stride.  

The first and most important step to making anything happen is to believe that you can.  For whatever reason, human’s have a tendency to self-sabotage. Even when it’s meant to be positive. For the example, saying “Don’t mess up”, your mind holds on to the word “don’t” and interprets it as “I can’t”. And then that thought gets applied to the rest of the statement, reinforcing your concern, in this case, “mess up”.

Self-doubt is incredibly crippling, and a slippery slope for all of us to go down because it will become a defense mechanism with time. Fortunately for us, there are ways to overcome self-doubt, and instill confidence in yourself and capabilities.

One thing I really like doing is to recite positive affirmations. As cheesy as it sounds, flooding yourself with positively oriented messages helps your brain hold on to those ideas and start believing them wholeheartedly. Once you open your mind to the habit of success, you will begin attaining it!

Believe in yourself and turn your dreams to a reality!

Sharing a bit of personal experience, this used to be a huge issue for me. I would way too often compromise what I wanted because of a lack of self confidence. I feared that I would offend someone, or inconvenience someone, or jeapordize a relationship if I interjected. As a result, I found myself in situations where I wasn’t entirely happy with the result, and reflecting on my own actions and why I couldn’t stand up for myself.

Well, I have gotten over this fear (for the most part), but it was a process. In sales, my colleague introduced me to the expression “a closed mouth don’t get fed”, and I learned to speak up for myself to earn business. When I started asking, I started receiving, and it helped me feel more confident that I had realistic expectations and that I could have what I want.  

However, I must state, that this shouldn’t be abused. It is essential to know when the right moments are to ask for something, because making unjustified demands can work out poorly for you.

So, what I would do is start small. When your server gets part of your order wrong, kindly ask for a correction. Or, if there is a discrepancy in price, nicely ask for clarification. Use small examples like that to build up your courage and confidence to ask for the things that you want.