I wanted to make a distinction between two important terms that I think we can all relate to. This specifically pertains to when things don’t go right and how we handle poor performance in a team setting. The two terms we’re dissecting today are “fault” and “responsibility”.

I know they already sound very different, but it’s not immediately obvious why that is. Let’s explore that.

The first difference is in the implied time frame. When someone is at fault it, focuses on the past and how things were meant to go. Yes, that’s when the error or oversight took place, but what good is it talking about something in a way that can’t be changed? When it is someone’s responsibility, you still create the opportunity for a constructive confrontation but do so in a way that suggests there are actions today that can remedy the error. Leaning more into the ways things can be fixed than just the things that went wrong.

A second big differentiator, is the mindset and intent you take in addressing the error. When you say that someone is at fault, they are blamed for causing the negative result and the consequences that comes with it.  The focus here is on how things went wrong, which comes from a less collaborative place. When you recognize it was someone’s responsibility to manage something, and that thing went wrong, then you’re taking a more holistic angle that implies this isn’t an incident in isolation. It acknowledges that they had responsibility outside of this specific instance, suggesting there were many times everything went right! It also provides more perspective to the problem and respects the work typically required to maintain whatever was neglected, suggesting that sure this didn’t go according to plan and that’s not okay but it is a mistake among other positive performances.

That’s the way I see it anyway. If at all possible, limit the amount of fault you assign to people when things go wrong. Instead, try to acknowledge their responsibilities in order to have a more constructive conversation.

Remember the hot cold game? As a kid, you’d play it to figure out if you’re getting closer or further from some mystery object, and you’re friend would say “warmer” or “colder” to tell you how you were doing? Well, let’s use that same basic concept and now apply it to something else.

Every single day, we make a number of decisions, and those decisions affect us in imperceivable ways. After going to the gym for a day, you might get a little swole, but the next day does it look any different? After having ice cream for dessert do you feel your cholesterol rising? Of course not, it sounds pretty ridiculous, but those decisions are important nonetheless because it’s after hundreds of those choices when you start to notice the results of them.

So, going back to the hot cold game. Every positive decision you make, you’re getting warmer! You’re inching closer to your goal or dream, or the person you want to be. And, in taking that positive step, you affirm that it’s something you’re committed to achieving and you reinforce the importance of taking that action. By recognizing that you’re getting warmer, you turn that distant “delayed gratification” into an acknowledgment and reward in the present moment.

Now, if you think through the hot cold game, how did you use to play it? It was a big game of trial and error! You would take a couple steps, wait for feedback, take a few more steps, wait for more feedback, until eventually you found what you were looking for. In this adult version of the game we do the same, but instead it takes the form of integrity check ins. You need to be reminded why you’re looking for that object in the first place, why that dream matters to you, so you can then compare that intent to the actions you’re taking. It’ll be pretty easy to know if you’re getting warmer or colder with each step you take.

I was on a morning run, and I had just picked up the pace because I was nearing the end, when I saw probably 20 pigeons all on the sidewalk in front of me pecking at something. With my blistering pace I startled them as I gained ground and naturally they all got up in a fuss and flew away at the same time. Makes sense, as I approached, I startled them and they relied on a built in fight or flight response that has helped them to survive for hundreds of thousands of years as a species. What was interesting though, was that they didn’t all just fly away, they all scattered randomly at first, then came together and flew in a coordinated pack with a strange amount of order. 

I believe the way pigeons responded to me as a threat in this situation is very similar to how we as humans respond to threats. We also have responses built up over generations of survival of the fittest and evolution, but something we underestimate is that we also have responses built up over our lifetime that we have come to find comfort in. When we’re exposed to a threat, and not necessarily a physical threat but an emotional, social, or psychological threat, many of us turn inward out of emotional protection. The opportunity here is if we take an extra moment to think through our unconscious response, we might be able to pursue a distinct advantage. 

Let’s use the pigeons here as an example. If one pigeon had the presence to know that their “fly away” response wasn’t necessary, and instead had hopped out of the way, it would have been able to return to pecking at the ground again sooner. This would violate their natural instinct but would produce a better result.

As humans, we have knee jerk reactions to so many things like bad news, awkward moments, and failure. In the face of these moments, we tend to resort to what’s comfortable. But what might be more advantageous, is if we can continue on and discover the opportunity hidden behind the knee jerk reaction, then we can begin making progress more often in a meaningful way.

What I’ve realized is that everything that exists collectively is rooted in personal choice. It all comes back to people and the decisions we make. While climate change, poverty, and the prison system all seem too daunting to ever be able to make a difference, I disagree. Those systems were manufactured by humans and therefore can be corrected by humans. It’s not going to be easy, of course not, but it needs to start somewhere right? You’re a human aren’t you?

I’m fascinated by what it means to “make a difference”, and specifically how helpless we sometimes feel when we want to make a difference. But I am telling you the work you do to support an important cause creates a magnitude of change far beyond what you believe, because you are leading the way! You are setting the example, and in order to create a change in the world you need to lead by example and embody that solution. That’s why before you can do, you must be.

Let’s say there’s something you’ve always wanted, like you’ve always wanted to be an architect. So, you went to college and studied what was required to have a competitive application to get into a graduate architecture program. Then, you go and you finish it and you get a job at a prominent architecture firm! Great work, success, you did it!

Until you realize you don’t enjoy the work and you’re not happy. Now what?

Examples similar to this happen across the board to everyone in all areas of our life. Jobs, relationships, commitments, and habits. Not all examples have that same amount of investment, but they are all relatable in the same way. You have a difficult time letting go of the way things were supposed to be.

You criticize yourself for not feeling better about it, and feel bad for yourself because you’ve wasted so much of your energy and time. But, the most important thing to do is to breathe in deep and recognize the truth that it might not be a good fit.

I believe there are two reasons why we have such a difficult time exiting situations that we know are no longer serving us. The first is out of respect for your past, and recognizing the time and effort you put into creating that situation. It’s something we hold onto for too long. Second, is we prefer our comfort, and enduring the pain we know is more appealing than navigating a foreign “potential pain”. This is the devil you know or the devil you don’t.

This is how I want you to think about it. This world changes fast. And a piece that fit the puzzle of your life may no longer have a spot anymore because you change too. With that in mind, it’s important to acknowledge that a piece may no longer fit. And that’s okay, because ultimately you want to pursue what belongs and feels right.

Do you have a morning routine? If you don’t I highly suggest you get one. It’s the consistency your brain and body crave to execute at a high level. I’m a firm believer in making the 1 decision that makes 90% of all other decisions, and that’s exactly what establishing a morning routine can do.

But the thing is, everyone has their own preferences that best serve their own needs. And even more difficult, those needs change! So, it’s really important to remain aware of the different things you’re doing and what they’re doing for you, so that they contribute to the areas of your life that are important to you.

My current morning routine involves a 6am alarm, drink half a glass of water, then get into my gratitude, affirmations, and goal setting journaling. Then, I exercise on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s been really good for me for a long time, but I think there’s more I can do. And I want to explore that.

This goes along with what I’ve been focusing on for the last 7 weeks in the Greatness Accelerator Program, which is auditing my sleep, dietary, and exercise habits to better understand what fuels me on a daily basis. Well I want to extend the experimentation into my morning routine, maybe even my evening routine, so that I can understand what I can do today to better prepare myself for the challenges I face.

The point of all of this is it’s really important to experiment. New information and preferences surface with time, and it’s important to have a system to be able to incorporate that in your day to see how it works for you. And some of these things won’t work, which is fine, but just like Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work".

“Treat others the way you want to be treated”, but let’s take it a step further. Treat everyone like you have something to learn from them. This does two really interesting things that I want to reflect on.

First, we all want to feel heard, and like what we have to share is worth listening to. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, heard, and understood, and authentic connection and listening is one way to facilitate that. So, from an empathetic approach, it’s important to treat someone like you have something to learn because it validates the value you see in them and your relationship with them.

The second part is more of a shift. The world is abundant with knowledge, and it is impossible for any one person to know even a fraction of it. Just because it seems like objectively you are more educated or come off as more intelligent as someone else, it doesn’t mean they don’t have something to teach you. And it actually becomes fun trying to discover exactly what that is. In Vanessa Van Edwards book Captivate, she talks about a game you can play when you first meet someone where you try to find a point of similarity with them as fast as possible. Once we’ve built that rapport, the next step is to find out what we can learn from them! When you approach relationships with that curiosity to uncover something new, you’ll find not only that your knowledge base grows and diversifies, but you’re connecting more genuinely with the people around you.

A listener and buddy of mine, Derek, sent me this thought which is covered in Brendon Burchard’s book, “The Charge - Activating 10 Human Drives that Make you feel alive”.

In it, he covers the 3 ways to live. First is the caged life. This is when you live in the past, are molded and limited by the expectations of others, and are tethered by yesterday’s results and complacent in what’s happening right now.

Then there’s the comfortable life, where you feel engaged and thankful for what you have, you find some meaning and mystery in what you do, and you use your voice to stand up for things you believe in.

And lastly, there’s the charged life. This is where you dream and wonder how you can actualize your potential. You live an inspired life that is inspiring others. You chase the things that are authentic to you, not anyone else, and pursue experiences that you find valuable. And you are hungry for ways to stretch your abilities.

All 3 of these lives are fully attainable, and you get what you ask for. So which one do you want to live?. 

A line in the book goes as follows: “For it is often the human condition to comply obediently at first, then to assert but still cooperate or compromise, then, finally, to discover choice, calling, maturity, and heightened drives for freedom, expression, and contribution”.