Self Improvement Daily Podcast

When someone talks about getting into better habits, it often means that they want to get more consistent in making better choices. They want to prioritize their health and wellness by exercising consistently, preparing nutritious meals while resisting unhealthy foods, be more productive by having routines to plan their time and organize their tasks…

But what they really mean is they want to hold themselves to a higher standard. They know what’s best for them and they want to be more accountable to doing it more often. 

There’s a long list of things we know we should (or shouldn't) be doing, yet we often don’t do them. We make an excuse or exception, or somehow rationalize that it’s not what we want to do or what we need to do. Only for us to look back and regret the choice we made, making a decision that we don’t agree with.

That’s where the idea of having standards comes in. A standard is a personal expectation. It’s the level of performance or intention you want to hold yourself to regardless of outside conditions. The problem is many people have a hard time enforcing a higher standard for themselves because they haven’t clearly defined the expectation.

They want to eat healthier, but what does that mean? They want to get a workout in every day, non-negotiable, but does that include a long day spent walking around a theme park with their kids?

When there’s gray area, there’s room left for interpretation and the unconscious mind will shape it into whatever it wants. And by nature the unconscious mind wants us to be lazy, experience short-term pleasure, and do the ‘safe’ thing… Even though we know it comes with long-term consequences.

But when you clearly define your standards, and you make them more objective and easy to measure against, you remove the gray area. You set the expectation and clearly know if your choices are in integrity with it or not. Susan Peirce Thompson calls this ‘having bright lines’ because if you begin to cross the standard you set for yourself, you know without a doubt it’s happening.

My system for reviewing my day and knowing how I did against my standards is: I fill out my Self Improvement Scorecard. If you want to see how it works, I’ve created a video where I show off my self improvement system and explain how it works in detail.

One of the things that has made the biggest difference in my life and productive work output is getting really organized with my daily tasks.

I used to be a ‘write down your list for the day on a piece of paper’ kind of guy, and when I made the step up to using an organized digital task list on Todoist, everything elevated. Using a good tool is great, but what’s more helpful is designing a system so that your using that tool is a process that’s simple, consistent, and easy to maintain. For years I’ve been able to create a hierarchy of tasks based on importance and urgency, and it has radically improved my daily productivity and focus. I’ve got a video explaining how it works linked in the description if you want to check it out.

What I wanted to talk about today though, is how things went haywire recently...

The system I devised is basically this: 1) Put all of the things that come up throughout the day in one central location, 2) Categorize those things all at once at the end of the day into the appropriate places and assign them their relative urgency and importance.

The system works if you’re consistent maintaining it, and it becomes very overgrown if you don’t.

I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but a few months ago I missed a week of categorizing tasks… So the list added up. It became too much to do casually at once, so I avoided it, and the list got longer. Before I knew it, it was completely out of control.

It took longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I dedicated an hour to biting the bullet and getting through it to get caught up. And it was only once I finished that I realized I could have tried a different solution.

Rather than committing to organizing all of my undesignated tasks at the end of the day, I could have taken chunks out of it. Like organizing 5 or 10 tasks a day at minimum. This would slowly put a dent in the list until I got all caught up.

And that’s the lesson I learned: The next time I get behind on organizing my task list, I can implement this new 'piece by piece' strategy. I’m confident this will help me solve the problem faster, get my systems working better, and accelerate my progress.

It also opened my eyes to the unconscious tendency I have to do things ‘all or nothing’. If it showed up here, where else might it be showing up, and where else might this be a solution to a problem I’m currently experiencing.

That’s how I approach my improvement! And hopefully it’s helpful to get a tactical glimpse into it. If you want to see how the productivity system I’ve built and use for myself works in more detail, I call it my Every Day Productivity Machine. I have a video showing you the system linked here.

Something that is central to the conversation around personal development is becoming more self confident. More confidence means that you’re willing to dream bigger, try harder, stand up for what you believe in, and play a greater role in influencing the world. Not to mention how good it feels to love, accept, support, and believe in yourself as you navigate life’s challenges.

Recently I heard on a podcast the various degrees of self-confidence (I wish I remembered who said it). It was helpful to hear the distinctions, so I wanted to forward the lesson to you about the 5 different levels of self-confidence, sharing them in increasing order via confidence statements:

1. “I can’t” - This is extremely low confidence where you’re convinced that you’re incapable of taking action in such a way that will generate the result. It’s disempowering, deflating, and keeps you from even trying.

2. “Perhaps I can” - This is the next step up because rather than being convinced you’re incapable, there’s the faintest suggestion of a possibility that you can. It offers a very weak signal and doesn’t reach the threshold of inspiring you to strongly consider taking action on it.

3. “I think I can” - This level of confidence offers the first true level of hope. It might actually work out. It could actually happen. There’s still significant doubt, but it’s offset by a sense of belief as well and that makes you more likely to proceed with it.

4. “I know I can” - This is a fully convicted sense of confidence. There’s no doubt. In fact there’s certainty that you’re capable if only you had the willingness to apply yourself. Which leads us to…

5. “I will” - This is where you’ve already made the decision. You’re going to do it, and it’s not up for interpretation, negotiation, or discussion. It’s an expression of commitment, and the only thing getting in the way are figuring out the details around it.

What I want to point out directly is the correlation between being more confident and having a readiness to take action. And it makes sense - the more confident you are, the less you expect to go wrong or the more prepared you or to fix what went wrong.

Here’s another dimension to reflect on: The more prepared someone is to take action with less confidence, the more successful they’re likely to be. Ed Mylett, who is and speaks often with the most successful people in the world, says that the most successful people he knows are the ones who can take action with the lowest amount of preparation, readiness, and understanding - aka confidence.

Action is the mechanism of transformation, and if you want to transform, it’d serve you to start before you’re ready. But you’re not alone, I’m here to do it with you.

A very common expression that you’ve probably heard before is “if you don’t use it, you lose it”. 

It’s most often used with reference to things like physical ability (you don’t stay strong and flexible if you don’t actively try to get stronger and stretch), skills that you have (like speaking another language or playing an instrument), and even good intentions (you want to eat healthy or go to church, but the longer you don’t do it the harder it is to get back into doing it).

And if that’s true, which I believe it is, then must it also be true that when you use something a lot, you get more of it?

Of course it is! But the reason I bring it up is because it highlights that there are two directions of growth: Maintenance and improvement. 

Maintenance helps you keep your current capabilities. It’s the side of “if you don’t use it, you lose it.”  

It’s necessary because the natural direction of growth is regression. If we don’t use a muscle, it atrophies. If we stop playing a guitar, we can’t pick it up and play with the same fluency as we used to. Taking proactive action toward maintenance helps to offset decline and keep things where they’re at.

Improvement is all about expanding upon your current capabilities. It’s the side of “if you use something a lot, you get more of it”. It’s why lifting heavier weights leads to muscle growth, and deliberate practice improves a skill. 

I bring this all up because when you think of the direction of growth, there are actually 3 options: Move forward, stay the same, or slip backwards. Slipping back is the only passive process - staying the same and moving forward both require effort (just different amounts of it). 

This is why it’s very important to be thoughtful about what you want in this season of life. If you’re being challenged or want a challenge in one area of your life, understand the commitment required to improve. 

If it’s not time to improve something but you don’t want to lose it, make your commitment sustainable. This makes you less at risk of regressing because you don't take on something that can’t be maintained, and therefore you're not overcommitted and headed toward burnout.

It takes courage to desire improvement and push yourself, as well as humility to accept that now’s not the time for it. It’s that level of self-awareness and self-regulation we all need to embody as we seek to make our dreams and missions a reality.

Years ago I heard David Meltzer say “The universe doesn’t make mistakes. It only gives you what you want or better.” It’s a deep lesson where when we have faith that the world is conspiring in our favor at all times, even when we don’t have the awareness to know how, we are being divinely guided exactly where we’re meant to go.

Of course this is all easier said than done… And I’m still in the process of understanding it. It’s hard to believe that the gripping pain of heartbreak is actually what’s best for you. It’s not easy to convince someone that they didn’t get the job they wanted, or land that big deal, because there’s something else that’s better and more aligned in store.

It’s one thing to say “Everything happens for a reason” and another to trust it when it’s being put to the test.

I’ve personally come a long way with it, with much more road to travel. And while I’ll keep walking the path, last week a new understanding came to me in a conversation with a friend. While I’m learning to accept that this is true, I’m now beginning to wonder how. What’s the mechanism behind getting what you want or better?

My new, unpolished answer to that is this:

In order for the universe to give you what you want or better, you must aggressively pursue what you want.

The possibility has been planted in your mind. It’s attractive to you. What you 'want' is what you believe is the ultimate version of the life you want to create based on the limited awareness you have. If you knew better, then that would become what you want!

And that’s the tricky part about this. You can’t pursue better than what you want, you can only pursue what you want and trust that if it doesn’t happen, then ‘better’ happened instead.

But here’s the thing. We’re afraid to pursue what we want. We don’t want to look stupid talking a big game, taking ourselves seriously, trying our hardest… Only to disappoint ourselves and others when we fail.

And here’s the lesson: It’s only by taking the risk and going for it, by trying to make what we want a reality, that we give the universe the ability to deliver something better. Pursuing what we want is the training ground that unlocks better within us, puts us in a new space where better can reveal itself, or both. What we want is the only thing we have to work with, so that’s where we need to start.

This is also easier said than done, but if you really want to live an extraordinary life and make an extraordinary impact, isn’t it worth a shot?

That’s why I’m about to get aggressive in really going for what I want, doing everything I can to make it happen, with faith that if it doesn’t work out then I opened the door to somewhere better instead.

If you’ve thought for a while that it’s time to get more consistent, dial in your health, be more organized or structured, have better habits and routines, raise your standards and be more accountable… then that’s what you want. And that’s exactly what I’ve dedicated my career to helping you with in the 21 Day Super Habits Challenge. If you’re ready to become your most disciplined, consistent, high-performing self… Let me show you how!

Recently I picked up a book called “Rich Relationships” by Selena Soo. It was gifted to me at an event and as someone who really values having strong relationships... And has come to learn that it really is about “who you know”... I was curious to see some of the recommendations.

The book was a Masterclass on building meaningful, authentic, strategic relationships. In a world where everyone is trying to get something from someone, especially professionally, it was a refreshing reminder that the fastest way to ‘do good’ for yourself is to ‘do good’ for others without expecting anything in return.

As humans we are hard-wired for short-term reward. Evolutionarily it was most advantageous for us to take action in a way that improves our immediate situation because it best ensures our survival. But, we know that this comes at the sacrifice of a greater long-term gain.

This is just as true in our relationships. Rather than trying to extract value in the short term, the more we invest in people by serving them, giving to them, and providing for them - the more that value multiplies and returns to us.

But that’s only when you engage in what Selena calls ‘Rich Giving’. This is a purposeful way of contributing, coming from a place of abundance and with intention. It’s done with the spirit of wanting to help and is unattached to getting anything in return. No keeping score, no entitlement that someone owes you something else… Just pure contribution.

This compares to two other types of giving: ‘Transactional Giving’ where you give because you actually want something of equal or greater value, and ‘Indiscriminate Giving’ where you share everything but then overextend yourself, and feel regret or resentment for your choice to give.

And I can personally attest to this. For a while I was a transactional giver, not with bad intentions but knowing that giving was a way to get. The more I’ve transitioned away from that and allowed myself to practice true abundance, where I give because it’s the right thing to do - it’s helpful and I want to help - I’ve felt more fulfilled and I’ve attracted more goodness into my life.

If you want to learn more about how to shift your networking energy to being more abundant, my two recommendations are to read Bob Burg’s book “The Go Giver” or of course, Selena Soo’s new book “Rich Relationships”.

Two of the most important people in my life are my Mom’s parents - my grandma that I call Nanners and my grandfather Papa. Nanners is the matriarch and I make a point to see my her about once a month, and Papa passed away when I was 11 years old.

Last week I was in Boston which is where my grandparents met - Nanners grew up in a small town called Mattapan and Papa went to college at Harvard University. I decided to visit both places to experience the history and legacy for myself, and it was extremely impactful for me.

First I spent an hour at Harvard to visit two spots in particular. First is Widener Library which is where Papa spent a lot of his time. As I walked the steps up to the front door I saw how worn the cement was, and thought about how many times Papa must’ve walked these steps himself. I stood at the top and turned around picturing how he must’ve been carrying big bags full of books and sporting equipment, wearing a big trench coat on a snowy winter day. I put my hand on one of the big columns holding up the structure and prayed to him to feel his presence.  

I also went to his dorm where he lived for a few years, Kirkland house, and put my hand on the brass metal handle to open the front gates. I imagined times when he made it home after a long day, with feelings of both accomplishment and stress. Times when he had his hands full and needed help. I placed my hands exactly where he put his.

The next day I visited the street where Nanners grew up. I pictured her as a little girl playing on the street and walking around to visit with neighbors. I pictured her brothers walking up and down the front porch as they left to deploy in World War II, and came home safe. I imagined her going down the street to make phone calls, or congregate in the one house that had a TV or radio.

I don’t know that any of these things happened, but they might have. Allowing myself to feel nostalgic about my family’s history gave me a deep presence and appreciation for the way things were. It made me feel more connected to them, and inspired me to keep applying myself as best as I can in their honor.

Whether it be a place you used to spend a lot of time, or a place associated with a loved one, visit places that make you feel nostalgic. You won’t regret it.

We live in a very polarizing world where divisiveness is normal and unity is effort. It creates a lot of conflict and the saddest part is, it doesn’t need to be that way. We have so much more in common than different, and when you look at the arguments of opposing sides it often breaks down to different expressions of the same core points.

Thích Nhất Hạnh is known for saying the quote “When you understand, you can't help but love". And that’s because when you truly take the time to see someone’s point of view, and learn the context and history around it, their conclusion makes more sense. It helps you cultivate a deeper level of empathy for the other person because, even if you think their line of thinking is flawed, you understand how they got there and how that influences the choices they make.

So rather than judging or criticizing someone who screams at their child, you feel sadness for the abusive childhood that taught them it was normal. Rather than developing a rivalry with someone at work who cheated you or tried to destroy your career, you hold space for them knowing that their insecurities made them act out of fear.

When you understand, other people’s behavior and choices make sense to you… And with a heavy heart for what caused them to be that way, you love them.

Most disagreement happens because two people are operating off of incomplete information. More often than not, people will arrive at the same understanding of a situation when they are working from the same set of facts. The problem is so much information and context is unspoken, and this leaves more space for interpretation.

So the next time someone frustrates you, challenges you, wants to make you upset, or completely disregards you… Reject your natural reaction to fight back and instead seek to understand.

Ask with curiosity “What about this person is causing them to act this way?”

That’s not to say you always need to agree with others, but you do become way more likely to hold your judgment. Because when you assume that someone has a good reason for doing what they're doing, you’re more likely to see it, understand it, and be empathetic to the parts that make them who they are.