A few weeks ago I was visiting my family and spent time with my brother and nephews. My 4.5 year old nephew, JT, is in a phase where after everything he says, he adds a drawn out “Right?”

“I get to pick my PJs, right?”

“We’re going to watch one show, right?”

“We’re seeing our cousins tomorrow, right?”

Most of the time the intention behind him saying it is that he knows it evokes a verbal acknowledgment. It’s his way of knowing that he’s being listened to. He’ll keep saying “right?” to get our attention until we answer “Yes, that’s right JT.”

But sometimes he uses it to be a clever, persuasive little boy. He asks for things in an assumptive way. Like saying “We’re having pizza for dinner tonight, right?” even though that wasn’t the plan at all. He positions what he wants in such a way that makes it harder to say “no” than it is to say “yes”.

And there’s something to learn in that. Humans take the path of least resistance. When we’re unconsciously navigating a path forward, we’re going to take the one that requires less effort. So if we can be creative about the way we relate with what we want, we can add friction to any alternative so that we’re more likely to get what we want.

It’s similar to a ‘glass half full’ approach. When your attention is fixated on all of the reasons why something can work, the variables that are in favor, and why success is a likely outcome - it influences the result. It inspires you to take more confident action. It encourages you to work through a challenge or setback. It gives you can make what’s on your heart a reality.

That, compared to the ‘glass half empty’ approach that comes more naturally. Our negativity bias automatically points out the things that are wrong with the plan and makes us focus on all of the things that are getting in the way. But when you let that be the line of thinking, your actions follow suit and you it manifests accordingly.

Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy - When you assume success, you show up as someone who expects it. But when you don’t, then you’re writing your own demise. Henry Ford said it best "Whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right!"

You get to choose which way you let yourself spiral: You can be uplifted with encouragement or slowed down by discouragement. And while most of this happens unconsciously and in ways you don’t control, you can still architect it in subtle ways. You can present yourself as if you already know that you’re going to get what you want, and success is presumed.

You want to make your dreams come true, RIGHT? Then you ought to root for them.

I don’t know why this just clicked for me. I’m someone who is extremely intentional about how I spend my time, and carefully plans out my days so that they reflect what’s most important to me. I’ve been wanting to spend more time with people doing fun things, but the intention wasn't enough - nothing changed.

I’m late to the game but I recently realized... If I want to do more fun things and more quality time with friends, then I need to plan those things.

We live in a world where spontaneity isn’t an option like it used to be. We all have jam packed schedules where ‘dropping by’ just isn’t as feasible any more because... Who knows if someone’s going to be home, available, and interested to change plans to spend time with you. Even calling someone on the phone out of the blue can feel like you’re inconveniencing them or catching them at the wrong time.

But if you make plans to do something - whether it be a phone call, hang out, or workout - then everyone can budget their time accordingly. And guess what? It means that everyone’s much more likely to be available and interested to spend time together!

It’s obvious, I know, but that’s not to say it will happen on its own. The planning step is the bottleneck. And with a desire to get more time with people on the books, this last week I put it to the test.

I coordinated with some friends to come over for a board game night, and we had a blast. I reached out to some other friends to try a new sport. I created a group chat, got everyone’s availability, and made the reservation. It was epic! I’m even thinking ahead now for some travel that I have planned - I’m going to be in Boston and Austin in the next few months (didn't realize that rhymed!), so I’m reaching out to friends in those cities and coordinating group dinners and meet ups.

It’s so easy to do, and so valuable when it works, yet for most of my adult life I haven’t even thought to do it. And it’s representative of the larger reality that is life: Get clear on what you want, strategize how you can go about getting that, make an action plan, and execute it.

I have been accustomed to waiting to be invited to things… And fortunately enough I get invited to do a lot... But the bigger shift this represents is that we all can take the lead and design the future. We can create the experiences, happenings, and relationships that are our life. And often that involves  taking the initiative to make the effort, craft the plan, and invite others to be involved.

People are waiting to be invited to do things. Make the plans, be the connector, and watch your life fill with things you’ve been missing.

On your personal development journey you’ve probably learned that there are two motivating forces in life: Love and fear.

These are derived from our innate reward system that influences us to take action in ways that either gives us pleasure or removes pain (with the latter being far more powerful).

One of the most underrepresented fears we have in society is a fear of trying. And how could that possibly be? When we try, we do our best and we’re way likely to succeed! Yet many people are afraid to try, and that’s simply because what we consciously want gets overridden by what we unconsciously need.

Here’s how it breaks down. We have a fear of trying because, if we genuinely do our best and it’s not good enough, what does that mean? Mainly that we’re incapable and have less to offer others. This often gets expressed as embarrassment or feeling like you ‘look stupid’, which are more obvious things that people are afraid of.

But one step further, why are we afraid to be embarrassed or ‘look stupid’? That’s because of the perception it generates for others. Someone may want to invest less in someone else who they believe to be incompetent. Someone may be less interested to support, or get to know a person who is awkward or socially unpredictable.

And it all comes back to the same and only core unconscious need we all have which is a need to be safe. It is the single thing that evolution has optimized around because those who were safer lived longer, and their genes spread. Those who weren’t, died. 

In many ways, safety is found in community and social groups. We can share resources so that we have food, water and shelter. We have a mutual understanding to remove anyone who becomes a threat to our safety. And in a fight, we’re more likely to survive when we can defend ourselves together. 

The fear of trying is just a modern day defense mechanism for survival, because if we don’t put ourselves in a vulnerable situation, we’re less likely to be ‘found out’ and pushed away. 

But in many ways our evolutionary hardwiring is poorly suited for modern society. It’s an unconscious ‘foot on the brake’ when we consciously want to ‘speed up’. It creates internal conflict because we struggle to be more aggressive in our follow through and bolder in our action taking. The resistance puts into question if we have what it takes to succeed in the ways we know we’re capable of.

As far as I can tell, this is the bottleneck to success. Those who can genuinely put themselves out there, try their best, and show up in the ways they feel inspired to are the ones who make it. They earn confidence along the way and attract more opportunities.

Do you want that to be you? If so, go for it. Summon the courage to do what you know you need to do. At this point it’s not about learning anything new, it’s all about taking action.

We’re in a world that rewards high performance and achievement. Headlines feature incredible accomplishments... Social media posts are highlight reels... Praise comes from winning long, hard fought battles... And while all of those things are deserving of it, it really serves us to find ways to celebrate more proactively.

It’s the distinction between enjoying the journey and the destination. Of course we want to feel accomplished when we achieve something meaningful that we worked hard for, but it’s more important that we find satisfaction in the process because that’s where we spend the majority of our time. The results aren’t guaranteed.

This is where I want to introduce two different perspectives: Milestone Mentality and Movement Mentality. 

Milestone Mentality is about chasing outcomes that can usually be defined in a moment. It’s pursuing a path forward from the mindset that there’s a job to be done, or a goal to reach. If you’re inspired by what you’re working toward, then this can be an effective mindset. But ultimately it’s meant to fuel day to day action that generates progress.

This is why I prefer the Movement Mentality. It’s about showing up, staying engaged, and applying yourself in whatever way that looks. Your decision to move is within your control and therefore, less vulnerable to outside forces and a more reliable and sustaining source of joy.

The difference in approach is common throughout goal setting practice. Businesses have leading KPIs (which are more process based) and lagging KPIs (which are more outcome based). It’s the combination of the two that keep you taking action in the ways that are meant to contribute progress, and a feedback loop to know if it’s working.

I find that the right balance for this is to take a step back every week or month to get in the mindset of the outcomes you’re pursuing, and the milestones you want to achieve. This helps you align on what you want, and once you know that you can make the plan that you believe is most likely to achieve it.

At that point, you spend the majority of your time executing, focusing on generating movement through daily action, and celebrating the achievement of that. 

I’ve found for myself that the more emphasis I’ve placed on the inputs of life, the more fulfilled I feel and the more enthusiasm I bring to my life. You’ve probably heard this before, it’s not a groundbreaking discovery, but hopefully it’s a timely reminder to refocus your effort and attention on the process, not the outcome.

If you want to find more joy on a daily basis, then you’d get a lot out of taking on the 21 Day Super Habits Challenge. It helps you get more consistent with daily reflections so that you’re acknowledging your daily progress, and getting clear on the action steps you need to follow through on to move the needle toward your goals.

One of the things that holds people back the most in life is the judgment of others. And for good reason - we care what others think of us because we want to have supportive relationships, and that’s only possible when others think highly of us. 

Generally it’s considered unhealthy to allow the judgment of others to have a major impact on us, but what matters most is the way you think about yourself. And while I largely agree that’s true, I also want to explain how that’s already a part of what’s happening when you receive judgment from someone else, and the crazy web of interactions that produces judgment in the first place.

Let’s say someone has a negative judgment about you. You make a mistake and they communicate their displeasure. You make a decision they disagree with. You take a stance that makes them feel uncomfortable or brings up something within them.  Whether you did it intentionally or not, your action in some way kicks off the cycle. Your action initiated an internal response within someone else that unsurfaced an insecurity, threatened their sense of self, conflicted with their values or beliefs, or affected them in some way. 

This in turn evokes a response out of them - a condescending comment, a facial expression, a tone - that you then receive in all of the same ways. It triggers your own insecurities, makes you feel threatened, and you feel internal conflict.  When you strip it down to its essence, feeling judged is an internal experience. Someone’s judgment only affects you when you perceive that you are being judged. 

In other words, external judgment cues internal judgment, which makes you question your own intentions, values, beliefs, and sense of self.

This explains why if someone ‘judges’ you, but you don’t respect their opinion, it doesn’t affect you. You determine that their comment or disagreement isn’t valid enough for you to question what you think about yourself. It doesn’t reach a threshold that initiates internal questioning. 

This is a deep concept but becomes easier to follow in an example: 

Let’s say John and Suzie are married. John tells Suzie he’s going to be out late for a work dinner and won’t be home in time to tuck the kids in. Suzie, who feels insecure that she’s not important to her husband, says in response “Are you going to be out late again like last time?” and she does it with a certain tone. 

John hears this, feels insecure that he’s already not home as much as he’d like to be as a father, and feels judged by Suzie. It's the conflict the comment creates within John’s belief system that causes Suzie’s comment to impact him. If John were to have full confidence in his presence as a father, he wouldn’t feel attacked by it because it’s not an accusation that needs to be taken seriously.

** Side note - One of the needs of the ego is to create separation, which it does by taking offense to things. So if the comment doesn’t initiate a response directly, the ego is likely to trigger another reason to be offended indirectly... like John feeling frustrated that his wife doesn’t appreciate him.

It’s interesting isn’t it? Our minds are playing games and running calculations in ways we aren’t aware of. It’s fascinating really, and hopefully a little insight into the inner workings of judgment helps you to see it!

Chris WIllamson, the host of Modern Wisdom, often brings up a very powerful insight. It’s a flaw in our rational thinking, a short-circuit in our daily decision making, and sometimes we’re so close to it that we can’t see it for what it is.

He says “We sacrifice the thing we want for the thing that’s supposed to get it.”

What this means to me is that we’ve romanticized our dreams so much that we believe we couldn’t possibly make them true right now. We figure that what we want needs to be earned and fought for, but that’s only because we’re blind to the more direct path to getting what we want immediately.

There are three examples of this that Chris share to make the idea more concrete:

The first is related to happiness. We sacrifice our happiness right now by working hard, putting in reps, and doing things we don’t enjoy in order to earn the results that will make us happy. What’s keeping us from doing what we enjoy right now?

The second is related to self-worth. We do things that we’re not fully aligned with to impress people, who then in turn validate us and inspire us with self-worth. But why don’t we just do the things that we would do if we already felt worthy today, because that’s what will make you feel worthy the fastest.

And the third is related to freedom. We work hard for other people, work long hours and give our time away to make money so that when we have it, we can do whatever we want. I know it needs to be within reason, but why can’t we just do whatever we want to do right now? It’s very likely you can make a decent enough living doing what you want to do to cover your basic needs.

“We sacrifice the thing we want for the thing that’s supposed to get it”... But with a simple reorientation we can start getting what we want. And while it’s simple, it’s certainly not easy. But it’s possible, and something worth thinking about.

Rather than living by someone else’s playbook, start to write your own. You get to design your life. You can have the happiness, self-worth, and freedom you deserve right now. And achieving it doesn’t need to be some roundabout process, it’s actually way more accessible than you’d think.

World famous and pioneering positive psychologist, Martin Seligman, developed a framework for how to live a good life. It’s as close to a formula as you’ll find, and he calls it: PERMA-V. 

It’s an acronym where each letter represents a different aspect of a life well lived. Let’s dive into each:

Positivity is about seeing the world through a hopeful and appreciative lens, and experiencing emotions that are uplifting, encouraging, and gratifying. It’s an ability to take the events in life and create a more empowering meaning around them that suggests a safe, secure, and enjoyable future. Positivity is a mindset and perspective.

Engagement is about having things that you care about and want to involve yourself in - hobbies, interests, projects. It’s something that you invest your time and skills into because you find joy in thinking about it, working on it, and affiliating with it. Engagement causes us to be immersed and grow.

Relationships are next, and they’re critical. The longest longitudinal study in human history found that nothing predicts personal well-being more than the quality of a person’s relationships. This comes from having supportive friendships, connectedness with family, a romantic partner you share intimately with, and the acceptance that comes from those who love you unconditionally, and offering the same for others.

Meaning is probably my favorite of the group. It’s to have a purpose behind what you do. To live thoughtfully, intentionally, and with an understanding that everything you do impacts everything else. It’s about being a part of something that’s bigger than yourself and lasts beyond your lifetime. Meaning gives you reason to care and try your best.

Achievement or accomplishment is about the personal recognition that you were a part of something that matters. It’s reinforcing feedback that you contributed, applied yourself, and generated some form of result. Sometimes external sources can help validate your internal knowing, with the intention that you’re relating with it in a healthy and unattached way.

Vitality is last and actually, an addition to the original framework. And for good reason - the way you feel energetically is critical to experiencing the goodness in life. You could even count this as a layer on top of the rest because having a healthy body and sharp mind helps you infuse more quality into everything else. Vitality is a multiplier.

This is all probably not that brand new to you. The fundamentals will always be the fundamentals, and for good reason. And while living a good life is a tall task that takes a literal lifetime, hopefully this gives you some insight into which one to start paying more attention to first.

A lot of personal development is forward facing, talking about the new or better things you could be doing to improve your life. And while that’s all true and useful, it doesn’t tell the whole story. You also need to get good about avoiding going backwards.

Many people apply themselves fully to becoming healthier, more focused in their work, or being a better friend and family member... Only to erase all of the progress they’ve made in a moment.

It’s a week of healthy eating and then splurging at dinner on the weekend. It’s working hard all week to enable a free ‘catch up day’, and then you get distracted doing things that aren’t meaningful. It’s being present in your time with loved ones except for that one time you’re tired, on your phone not paying attention.

And it’s not like we actively choose these things to happen - they unconsciously pop up. And if we don’t have the awareness or energy to intervene, then a single poor choice can do a lot of damage and offset many good choices in an instant.

My favorite way to keep myself from going backwards, and make sure I don’t undo the progress I’ve made and the momentum I have, is to define standards for myself. I establish a high standard so that I’m clear on how my best self would choose to show up in various areas of my life - exercise, nutrition, sleep, work, time on my phone, connecting with loved ones, etc. This gives me a target to aim for that helps me push the boundary of my growth and consistency.

But pursuing that ideal isn’t always practical, or realistic, so I also establish a minimum standard for myself.

This is the line I don’t want to cross, that I’ve determined to be what’s minimally acceptable on an average day. It’s helpful to know because as I notice that things are starting to slip, and I’m not following through on my best intentions, I have a safety net of awareness. I have a second criteria that I get to measure my choices against that shouldn’t be hard to do, but still enforces a certain amount of thoughtfulness and intentionality.

When you hold yourself to a minimum standard, it means that you’ve identified the point where you’d start undoing forward progress if you were to continue.

For example, I have a sleep standard. My high standard is that at 9:30pm I transition into my night routine, with the intention to turn the lights off by 10:30. My minimum standard pushes that back to 10pm and an 11pm bed time. Functionally what this does is - if I miss my high standard for bed time, hypothetically I could stay up as late as I want with no consequence. And that could do some serious damage. But having that second timestamp at 10pm holds me accountable to a making another choice that keeps me from missing the intention entirely.

Defining your standards is a process of knowing what you want, and once they’re in place, they give you heightened awareness as you approach them. Being disciplined to make the right choice against those standards is easier when you have that clarity in place, and when you bundle in a daily reflection about how you did and goals around your consistency in this area, it promotes follow through.

I’d love to show you how I do that on a daily basis, and the system I’ve built for myself in my Self Improvement Scorecard.

If you’re curious to check that out, I made a video showing you how it works!