Can't Or Won't?

I’m trying to spend less time on my phone when I’m eating and one of the strategies I have is to casually open up a book when I’m downstairs instead of watching videos or aimlessly scrolling my email. It was by peeling through the pages of Marie Forleo’s “Everything Is Figueroutable” that I was reminded of a really important distinction:

Most people say that they can’t do something when the reality is they won’t. 

And it applies to things like: “I’m sorry I can’t make it to your birthday party”... “I just can’t afford that right now”... “I can’t stay up that late, I have a big day tomorrow”.

Saying you ‘can’t’ do something might seem harmless, but our words are powerful. When we ‘can’t’ do something we’re the victim of our circumstances. We’re powerless and vulnerable to the forces that be. 

But when we ‘won’t’ do something we are fully in control, we have agency, and understand that our own unwillingness is the thing that’s getting in the way.

Now this is an important point: That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Our willingness is often a careful evaluation of factors and it’s with that awareness we make a decision. It absolutely can be the right choice to skip that birthday party, not pay for that thing, or decline an invitation and stay in.  It means we were thoughtful about what we commit to and have calculated the tradeoff. That the possibility of gain isn’t worth the cost to attain it.

The most common costs or reasons that come up that create an unwillingness to do something are:

1) We’re not prepared to put in the time

2) We don’t want to make the sacrifice

3) We don't want to take on the risk that’s required to do the thing.

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All of these things are valid and should be considered, but at the same time they can be weaponized as an excuse.

Especially when it comes to things that we really want to achieve, become, or grow into it - it requires that we push ourselves beyond our comfort zone. We must do things that don’t make perfect sense today to shape our reality into what we envision for tomorrow.

Because fear and uncertainty get in the way, we often say we ‘can’t’ do something. We suggest that we’re incapable of it. And this is safe psychologically because it means that we don’t have to look at our own weaknesses or shortcomings. But the truth is that we won’t, and that we’re unwilling to put in the time, sacrifice, and risk that would make it possible. 

That level of honesty is harder to accept, but it’s simply more accurate. And as someone who let’s fear, uncertainty, and all types of self-sabotage get in my way of applying myself fully toward what I want, I’ve been taking this honest look at myself too.

So the next time you reason that you can’t do something, catch yourself and consider the fact that you won’t. And whether that’s because you’ve made a thoughtful choice about it or it’s driven by fear, you have something real you can work with.

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