Why Does Judgment Affect Us?

One of the things that holds people back the most in life is the judgment of others. And for good reason - we care what others think of us because we want to have supportive relationships, and that’s only possible when others think highly of us. 

Generally it’s considered unhealthy to allow the judgment of others to have a major impact on us, but what matters most is the way you think about yourself. And while I largely agree that’s true, I also want to explain how that’s already a part of what’s happening when you receive judgment from someone else, and the crazy web of interactions that produces judgment in the first place.

Let’s say someone has a negative judgment about you. You make a mistake and they communicate their displeasure. You make a decision they disagree with. You take a stance that makes them feel uncomfortable or brings up something within them.  Whether you did it intentionally or not, your action in some way kicks off the cycle. Your action initiated an internal response within someone else that unsurfaced an insecurity, threatened their sense of self, conflicted with their values or beliefs, or affected them in some way. 

This in turn evokes a response out of them - a condescending comment, a facial expression, a tone - that you then receive in all of the same ways. It triggers your own insecurities, makes you feel threatened, and you feel internal conflict.  When you strip it down to its essence, feeling judged is an internal experience. Someone’s judgment only affects you when you perceive that you are being judged. 

In other words, external judgment cues internal judgment, which makes you question your own intentions, values, beliefs, and sense of self.

This explains why if someone ‘judges’ you, but you don’t respect their opinion, it doesn’t affect you. You determine that their comment or disagreement isn’t valid enough for you to question what you think about yourself. It doesn’t reach a threshold that initiates internal questioning. 

This is a deep concept but becomes easier to follow in an example: 

Let’s say John and Suzie are married. John tells Suzie he’s going to be out late for a work dinner and won’t be home in time to tuck the kids in. Suzie, who feels insecure that she’s not important to her husband, says in response “Are you going to be out late again like last time?” and she does it with a certain tone. 

John hears this, feels insecure that he’s already not home as much as he’d like to be as a father, and feels judged by Suzie. It's the conflict the comment creates within John’s belief system that causes Suzie’s comment to impact him. If John were to have full confidence in his presence as a father, he wouldn’t feel attacked by it because it’s not an accusation that needs to be taken seriously.

** Side note - One of the needs of the ego is to create separation, which it does by taking offense to things. So if the comment doesn’t initiate a response directly, the ego is likely to trigger another reason to be offended indirectly... like John feeling frustrated that his wife doesn’t appreciate him.

It’s interesting isn’t it? Our minds are playing games and running calculations in ways we aren’t aware of. It’s fascinating really, and hopefully a little insight into the inner workings of judgment helps you to see it!