Timing And Tone

When you think about humanity and what has accelerated our species beyond anything we’ve ever known is our ability to communicate. Communication fosters high-level collaboration, which leads to compounded efforts, specialization, and fast innovation.

However, the way we communicate is far from perfect. There’s a lot of nuance and subtlety that impacts the meaning of what’s being said. The two I want to focus on today are timing and tone.

Timing matters because a message reaches someone in different emotional contexts. Someone who’s stressed will misinterpret a playful jab. A reflective statement may be misunderstood as a cry for help by someone who’s highly emotional. 

To accommodate for this, my wife and I have a practice to make sure our communication isn’t misunderstood. Once a week we have our Sunday Sync which is a meeting to coordinate schedules, but also space to share grievances and frustrations that came up about the other person. Rather than bringing it up in the moment, catching the other person off guard and causing them to get defensive, we can talk things through in an environment where we’re reminded that we’re on the same team.

Another important nuance to communication is tone. This is on clear display in the example of saying a sentence but changing the word that has emphasis:

‍I didn’t say that.

I didn’t say that.

I didn’t say that.

I didn’t say that

It’s the same words, in the same order, but with very different meanings. The tone carries the energy behind the words, which conveys a lot of information.

In terms of how we use this information… It’s a good reminder to make sure that you’re being empathetic. In your correspondence with others try to see their perspective, step into their shoes, and understand how they might interpret things. This can be done proactively before speaking or retroactively to diagnose miscommunication. 

Also, it’s a testament to the importance of keeping your own nervous system regulated. The last thing we want to do is speak out of turn without even realizing it, and that often happens because we’re so caught up in a stress response that we become irritable, foggy, and numb - therefore tone deaf. 

Mindfulness is a wonderful intervention for this. Create space, sit in silence, shut off the world, and allow yourself to calm down. It’s one of the best things you can do to be in control of what you’re communicating in the world.

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