The Middle Ground Between Passivity And Performance

Wired into us through our evolutionary biology is a need to belong. Being accepted in a group improved our odds for survival, and as a result we all inherited the inclination to care what other people think about us. 

In our modern world, we’re torn. On one hand we’re still operating off of primitive instincts, but on the other we have very thoughtful and cognitive lives. We’ve been told that we shouldn’t care what others think about us, especially strangers who don’t know the first thing about us, and I tend to think that’s generally productive. But then there’s so much richness that comes out of having high quality relationships, and maintaining a positive reputation makes people respect you, allows them to trust you, and cultivates more intimacy.

As I see it, those are the two ends of the spectrum. There’s passivity where you don’t care at all what other people think, and then there’s performance where you’re portraying yourself to be a certain way for advantages. We each need to find our own middle ground between passivity and performance. 

If I were to give a recommendation, the in-between target to aim for that embodies the best of both worlds, is ‘authentic connection’. 

Authenticity isn’t performative, it’s genuine. It encourages you to express yourself fully so that you’re embodying your truest nature. People are attracted to authenticity, especially in a world where it’s so easy to hide the parts that you don’t want others to see.

Connection isn’t passive, it involves actively seeking to understand someone else and be understood. You don’t want to reject people but instead invest in them, and let them in. So many people are scared to be vulnerable and seen for fear that people won’t like who they are… But there are few things more nourishing than a person who feels deeply connected to you.

That’s the dance. You don’t want to be too passive and not care what others think, but you also don’t want to be too performative and act in a way that isn’t true to yourself. We’re all trying to find that balance right now, and hopefully a little more awareness around it is helpful.

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