Gossip Is Food For The Ego

Something we probably agree on is that it generally isn’t good to gossip. And that’s because gossip has a certain connotation where you’re talking poorly about someone behind their back, in their business unnecessarily, often with the intention to criticize them. There’s certainly a time and place to talk about other people from a place of curiosity, with fairness and respect… That’s just not gossip.

And even though we know it’s not good to gossip, we find ourselves doing it anyway. Why is that? Why would we engage in something we clearly don’t want to do?

It’s because gossip is food for the ego, and on an unconscious level, we’re deeply attracted to it.

The ego’s purpose is to create separation. It’s to establish independence so that you’re inclined to act in ways that are self-serving and beneficial to you. This stems from a core need in evolutionary psychology for safety, and when we have a strong sense of self, we’re more likely to keep ourselves alive.

Gossip serves a purpose in that it makes you feel better about yourself. When you air out someone else’s problems and mistakes, it makes your own problems and mistakes seem not so serious. When you talk about someone else’s flaws and issues, you become morally superior to them which inflates your status within the tribe.

And again, unconsciously we’re hardwired to want that. It makes us more psychologically secure and positioned to be a more valuable asset to others. It serves us to pull other people down because it makes us appear to be higher.

But it’s misguided. Because while there’s a short-term payoff when you feed the ego with gossip, the long-term consequence is that it erodes our self-worth. We see ourselves as good not because we’re good, but because we’re better than bad. We learn to think highly of ourselves only when in comparison with others externally rather than arriving at that proudly internally.

And the hardest part is, it’s hard to control when it enters our lives. If you’re not the one starting it, others bring it to you. Which is why it’s critical to be vigilant about shutting it down. But that’s much easier said than done, especially because our unconscious mind and ego are hungry for it, which makes it a very important best-self practice.