Assume There’s A Good Reason They’re Mad

Something that is impossible to avoid in life is conflict and disagreement with others. Two different people have two different perspectives, which means that they can’t see the same situation exactly the same way. There’s context, information, and history that goes into each persons perspective that makes it unique.  

These are often the missing details that cause people to miscommunicate and for intentions to be misunderstood. And in some cases, this misalignment can be so significant that it leads to someone getting upset with the other.

With that in mind, the next time someone gets upset with you, assume there’s a good reason they’re mad.

It’s important to never invalidate someone else’s feelings - What they’re experiencing is real for them. But this isn’t just for their benefit, it’s also a way for you to make sure you’re approaching the situation in a constructive way. When someone is mad at you it can feel like a personal attack. If someone attacks, the natural response is to defend. But getting defensive doesn’t help in this situation because it just escalates emotions and creates more separation in perspective. When you assume someone has a good reason for being mad it encourages you to fill in the details of their perspective you’re missing.

This is top of mind for me because it happened recently. Without getting into details, my wife was upset with me. A part of me wanted to be mad at her for being mad at me, wanting to argue that I didn’t do anything wrong, but instead I chose to take a more curious approach. By listening and understanding her point of view, I got to learn more about the way she had interpreted the things I did, why it was hurtful to her, and it all made sense.

In response to that I offered my side of the story, offered details that she wasn’t aware of, and it helped settle her mind because she realized I wasn’t acting with bad intentions. Through that my actions made more sense to her.

Assuming you want to resolve a conflict, the best way to achieve that is by not creating more conflict. Assume the other person has a good reason for being mad, understand that reason, empathize with them, and move through it together.