People Are Not Projects

If you didn’t know it, I’m a judgmental person in recovery. Of course it comes from a place of insecurity, and my need to 'feel good about myself' would cause me to find fault in others, draw comparisons, and criticize. It’d also convince me that I knew what was best for others, that their ignorance or lack of discipline was responsible for their shortcomings, and that their way of doing things was the wrong way.

I don’t blame myself for that because I was doing my best, and I know that I had really good intentions every step of the way. However, it made me want to help people see the fault in their ways and improve. Sometimes I wanted it for them more than they even wanted it themselves. 

That’s when I learned an important lesson: People are not projects.

People aren’t meant to be fixed by others - they’re meant to be supported, empowered, loved, and accepted. Your positive influence on them is meant to be the spark that lights their flame.

I have a great example of this actually with my wife Irene.

For months Irene was talking about wanting to get back in the habit of going for her morning walk. There were days where she’d snooze her wake up alarm, jump right into work, or do something else. I felt myself get agitated by it because I wanted her to become the healthier, more active version she saw for herself. And any time I offered to help ‘fix’ the problem it added pressure, took wind out of her sails, and made things harder for her to do.

Things shifted when I chose to accept Irene exactly as she is. I accepted that she knows when her body needs more sleep, or when it’s the right decision to get to work and manage stress much better than I do. Instead of pointing out all of the reasons why she was struggling, I celebrated her uniqueness.

Literally, every night in my Self Improvement Scorecard I would ask myself the question “What do I choose to accept about Irene today?”. I’d think through what about her choices made me the most frustrated, connected it to a positive quality that I admire about her, and reinforced the belief that I want her to be herself more than I wanted her to change.

I did that reflection enough times until I started to see her that way naturally. My energy toward her was less judgmental and more supportive. I laughed off and lovingly smiled at things that previously irritated me. And like magic, she started feeling comfortable asking for my advice and made fast progress in other areas of her health and life.

People are not projects and you get to play a role in supporting them. If that means they ask for your help, then help! But choosing to accept and love someone is the best thing you can do for them as they seek to introduce positive change in their life.