The One Thing That Really Matters

Tom Bilyeu, founder of Impact Theory, is known for saying “all that really matters is how you feel about yourself when you’re by yourself.” And given that few people have studied high performance and fulfillment as much as he has over the last decade, I figured it was something worth exploring.

I believe Tom makes this argument because we live in a world that is externally facing. We achieve and get applauded. WE do the right thing and get recognized for it. We perform to maintain a certain perception.

The approval of others can feel really good and be validating, but it’s superficial. The only opinion that matters is the opinion you have of yourself, when you turn internally. You always have to be with you. And if you don’t like what you see in the morning when everything else is stripped away, then what good is everything else? 

But to say that nothing else really matters is a bit of an overstatement. For things to be only about your own self-perception is an overly self-centered approach. While it’s true that what we experience is our world within a much larger world, and our awareness is limited, it doesn’t mean that nothing else matters. Of course other people’s health and happiness matter. The world would be a gloomy place if it didn’t. 

Tom’s point wasn't to convince you to only care about yourself. At the heart of his message is a note about agency and self-efficacy.

We are in control of our lives and we have the ability to influence every facet of it. The encouragement is to be able to answer honestly that you wielded that power responsibly and with integrity. That you choose to show up in a way that you’re proud of and that doesn’t compromise on your values.

Because if we were to optimize our lives around the concept of getting external validation and approval, it would come at an internal cost. It offers short term positive feelings when you’re around others, but leaves you with a deep emptiness when you’re by yourself.

So in that way, I agree with Tom’s thought: What really matters is how you feel about yourself when you’re by yourself. And within that is an evaluation that you also showed up in ways that benefited others too.

What you do is the external expression of who you are.

Let the essence of your being shine brighter than the acknowledgment of what you did. Only you know how authentic and honorable you’ve been. Only you know your truest, deepest intentions. So let the feelings you get around that be a powerful point of feedback as you consider how to navigate forward.